My dad died when I was 19 years old. To understand me, you have to understand where that put me emotionally. The relationship I had with my dad was incredible. I loved him so much, and he loved me even more than that. He was sick the majority of my life, and I knew that our time together would be short. Knowing all of that from an early age, I poured all of the love that I had into him. I never wanted the moment to come, and him to die, without knowing....second guessing what I felt so deep in my heart for him. Sitting here some 12 years later writing this....I have a lump in my throat. He was just everything to me.
I started dating Ryan a year before my dad died. Looking back, I think God knew exactly what he was doing putting Ryan in my life when he did. The Spring of 1999 was the worst time in my life. My dad entered the hospital one last time....and never returned home. The pain that I felt losing him was indescribable. A pain I will just never forget. For months I walked around....just literally hurting. I missed my dad so much. I learned what it meant to truly have a broken heart.
Ryan was there to pick me up, and love me. He honestly saved me.....in every way you can be saved. He loved me through all of the pain....he took care of me. A little over a year later Ryan and I were married. I walked down the aisle without my dad, but I walked into the arms of the man who would love me forever. Such a happy/sad day.
I have never forgotten what that pain felt like.....it scares me. I found it much easier over the years to just hold people at arms length. To love, but not be all in. I was/am terrified that if someone I loved was to die.....that I would feel that all over again. And God, it hurt so bad....I just cannot imagine feeling that.
Over the years, I loved my husband....but I held back. I built this nice little wall around myself to protect my heart. I refused to give Ryan all of me, because I was sure the minute that I did he would die. I remember one day Ryan left for work, and about 5 minutes later I heard sirens go by. And then a second later my phone rang. It was Ryan and he had been hit by a drunk driver, he was trapped in his car. I freaked out....and drove straight to him. I parked my car, and ran across the highway.....just shaken. He was fine, but that cemented in my mind that I could not let him have all of me. I refused to feel that pain......
When my children were born I found that there was no way to protect my heart. My Lord, it was like my heart was walking on the outside of my body totally unprotected. If they fell, I fell. If they bled...so did I. I have never felt such an intense love. My biggest fear is losing one of my children. As bad as it hurt to lose my dad....I just don't know that I could recover from losing a child.
So, I tell you all of this to say that ttwd has forced me out from behind my wall. It absolutely terrifies me. There is no hiding....no protection....I am all in. My love for Ryan has been brought out of hiding....and now the fear is back. This man loves me, and God help me I love him too. I just know that if anything happens to him.....I will never be the same. I fear the call in the middle of the night.....the drunk driver.....cancer....whatever the case may be. I understand why I held back all of these years, because this just scares me. It would be so much easier to put my wall back up....but I know the regret would be there. God forbid something happen to my husband.....I want him to know.....just like my dad did....that I love him with all that I am and all that I have. I just feel so vulnerable....and open...and raw.
When the time comes....and one of us has to go....I don't want him to wonder. I will not let fear dictate how I will love my husband. As scared as I am of losing him....I am more scared of not loving with my heart wide open.
Hi Sweetie :)
ReplyDeleteIsn't it incredible the emotional changes that occur as a result of living this lifestyle. I have come to some remarkable insights about my own life through this process, as well.
I think about my parents, who are both past, all the time. I dream about them almost every night, and I am so happy to be with them and it is so wonderful and in the early light of morning, I am always forced to remember it was a dream.
As a child, I realized how much older my parents were than everyone else's - my Dad was over 50 when I was born, and I worried about their health constantly. Ian will say that by 17 when we first met, our roles had begun to reverse and I was parenting them......I don't think it was that bad, but they needed me.
I wanted to let you know that I understand the angst that you felt as a child, always afraid the other shoe would fall.
Fear is, in varying degrees, a gift. The fear of splattering on the pavement keeps us from climbing tall buildings, etc.... and so too does the fear of losing our loved ones, make us realize just how precious they are to us.
It makes us fuss over them, pay attention to their health and welfare and them of ours.
As you have illustrated quite beautifully, at some point the fear stops being helpful and becomes an isolating force in our lives. I also experienced what you describe with Ryan with my own husband - in the stark realization that someday one of us will die.
Ian will hold me in his arms, or vice versa for the last time. Our lips will part and what was us will be one of us once more. I don't think there are words that can bring lovers comfort for that eventuality. It will be.
When my Dad died, my Mum never really laughed again. She lived for another eight years and she spent time with Ian and I with the kids, and she was really my best friend.
I talked with her everyday, sometimes several times a day, we went on little holidays together, but she never had that laugh I remember from my youth - with the twinkle and the giggle.
We really just have now, and you are so right to seize it - I am.
Hugs and much love,
Lillie
Lillie...I replied below....darn blogger...grrrr ;D
DeleteOh Lillie....you response made me tear up again :) I miss my dad so much, but I catch glimpses of him in my children's eyes....and I smile. Like a little piece of heaven here one earth.
ReplyDeleteMy mom came to live with us when my twins were young. They have given her a reason to smile again. It has been good for the kids, and so wonderful for her spirit.
I can only hope that Ryan and I die in our sleep together...when we are very old....and have lived a full life. I don't know what would hurt me more....knowing that I am going to leave him or that he is going to leave me. I hate thinking about it. But ttwd has given me the courage to love again....with all I have. I am so thankful for that part of this. The rules/punishment...all of that is such a small part of this. It is the emotion...the love...the feeling....that to me is what ttwd is all about :)
Much love and hugs right back at you friend :D
~Lucy
Oh Lucy, the begining part of this post could literally be written by me, although it wouldn't have been written so well if had been.
ReplyDeleteI was 20 when my Dad died. He was 44 when I was born and my Mom 38, ( I used to think that was so old, man was I stupid!). Anyway, I knew Barney, we worked together at the time but we weren't dating, and he didn't know my father as my parents lived 4 hours away. More than anything I wish Barney could have met my father. Met half of me. My Dad wasn't sick my whole life, cancer came, and came quick. As a 'real' adult now, I can be grateful for that. I learned to pull the switch lever on the emotional train track very well that year. Emotions would try and surface though at the most inopportune moments. Fortunately for me I had this friend, Hugh, who would literally chase me into the women's washroom to hold my while I cried and tried to shove the emotions down again.
A year later Hugh was killed in a car accident right before Christmas. By this time I was dating Barney, and he began holding me through the emotional switch track episode. As you know, I certainly only allowed that for a very short time. Turning away, because being held while in an emotional state only makes things worse. Only it doesn't, does it?
Several years ago, one of my boys went 'missing' for 45 minutes. He was about 3 at the time. I won't go into details, as he was safe, and actually always was. He fell asleep hiding. Anyway, after the first 20 minutes. I broke. I threw up, and then gave up. I literally sat on my front step, and I couldn't even shed a tear. I was frozen. He is here with us fortunately, driving me crazy, again fortunately, but that feeling I can't shake.
Now my oldest is into his teens, and wanders. I shut down again when I can't reach him. By reach him I mean, literally and figuratively.
Sorry, off I go again. While I am new to this, very new. I can feel these emotional walls breaking. The weight maybe lifted off of my shoulders, but there is such a nervousness that I couldn't put my finger on. Until now.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful post.
Hi Wilma :)
DeleteIt is so hard to lose a parent, no matter how it happens. I guess in a way I feel that the extended illness built up my courage for the inevitable. I am not sure I could have handled something so immediate.
I feel lucky that Ryan got to meet my dad. He was actually one of the pallbearers at the funeral. Mom and I just thought it was fitting. Ryan and dad would never really get to know each other, but I knew what kind of man Ryan was....and I knew my dad would have been honored.
You will find....as your beautiful journey continues....that yes indeed the walls will come crumbling down. You may get scared, or confused...heck even angry at having to feel all of this. I did. But I am learning that the alternative of wasting all of this love would be a tragedy.
I cannot wait to see your story unfold :D And, as always...thanks for stopping by.
~Lucy
Aah Lucy, I'm sorry that life was so cruel to you at a young age. Your dad sounds very special, as does Ryan.
ReplyDeleteIn the winter especially I worry ceaselessly b/c M spends so much time on the road. My heart stops when the phone rings at the wrong time. I can't stand the thought of losing him but as you pointed out that fear is a big part of what keeps us from giving and loving with our whole selves.
Thank you for this post. I'll try hard to remember it as it begins to snow and we can both try to remember to leave our loved ones in God's hands, where they are very safe.
Hi Susie~
DeleteI have been lucky to have some good men in my life :)
I feel fortunate that I had my dad. Cruel to me would be never being his daughter...but I get what you mean ;)
I am a worrier....that is just part of who I am. A little of that is okay....we need worriers in this world! BUT a lot of it is just crippling, and that is what I struggle with.
In the end, you are right, only God knows what will happen. I hate not being in control (I know, I know) seems ironic being a submissive wife....but you get my meaning.
Thanks so much for stopping by.....I value your comments :D
As the tears pour down my face, I tell you that I understand. When Ward is deployed, I long for the phone to ring - (he's on a sub, so it's not him, it's the phone tree - giving updates, telling about mail drops, and of course in the worst or circumstances, news you don't want)- and dreading it with every fiber of my being.
ReplyDeleteIt hurts to be this open and this vulnerable, no denying it. But it is also so incredibly...vitalizing to love this deeply, this entirely.
Thank you for this beautiful post.
Hi June~
DeleteAll of the comments you all have left have had me choked up....this community is just special....that is all :)
I cannot imagine what Ward being deployed must be like for you. You are such a strong woman, whether you know it or not. I would probably crupple up in a little ball and wither away. I don't think I could handle it....
I don't think my fear of being this open will ever go away....I just push it to the back as much as I can. I know the day will come that one of us will go. I just pray that he knows that I loved him...with all of me.
Thanks so much for you lovely comment June....I truly appreciate it :)
Oh Lucy.......I think this post has touched me more than any post I've read in all my time here in blogland. Really. It's as if you uncovered the one thing in life I don't think, no I KNOW, I'd never recover from. Losing Blue would be a death blow for me. I would never be the same. Indeed, I would pray to be taken too. Like you, I fear that phone call or knock on the door with the devasting news. Like you, I try to not think about it. The only thing I can do is love him with all of my heart and soul in this day. I will not have any regrets that I didn't love him enough!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you lost your father at such a young age. I'm glad though that you had such a special Dad and that you loved so deeply. I have to believe those 19 years you did have with him were worth the price you paid and still pay today. Ryan is also a very special guy. I do believe God sends us those people we need so badly at just the right moments. I've seen many examples of that in my life. Too often to be coincidences.
Thank you for sharing such an intimate, beautiful post. I'll be thinking about it for some time. Have a wonderful weekend.
Hi Cg :)
DeleteThank you for the kind words, that really means a lot to me.
I would take those 19 years all over again....it was worth the price....you are right. My dad was simply the best. You are right about Ryan....I kinda like him :D
I try not to think too hard about losing him....it is just to hard to comprehend. I know that you understand that. I have finally coming to the conclusion that I would rather love him with all that I have and lose him....then to have never tried to love him as deeply as possible. As much as it will hurt, it would hurt more to waste what we have together.
This is all so hard....I am still trying to sort it all out in my mind. And I so appreciate all of you commenting and helping me along.
Here is hoping you and Blue have a fabulous weekend together....perhaps do a little "yard work" :D
Thank you for sharing this special post, Lucy Lou. I was touched to read your story - it awakened in me some special memories I have of my own father. Ttwd does encourage the development of deep trust in the marriage, and trust encourages us to make ourselves vulnerable. Scary? Oh yes! It takes courage to make ourselves vulnerable, to accept the risks coupled with that deep sharing - its a brave man or woman who feels the fear and chooses to be vulnerable to their partner anyway.
ReplyDeleteHi there :)
DeleteI loved your last blog entry by the way. The analogy of the keys and rooms was great....very telling of how I think a lot of women think.
Being open is so scary, but worth it in the end. Ttwd is proving to be much more complicated than I ever thought it would be.
Thank you for sharing such a beautiful post. I'm sorry you lost your Dad at such a young age. It is wonderful that you had such a special relationship with him and I am sure you treasure the years you did have with him.
ReplyDeleteI find it incredible how our emotions change through living this lifestyle. We feel more deeply, are so much more connected. We open our hearts fully and become vulnerable. It is scary, but it is also a wonderful thing to love so deeply.
Hi Roz :D
DeleteMy dad was a great man....I was so lucky to have him.
My emotions have changed so much. I think I was so cold a lot of those years....to maybe protect myself??? It is scary, I agree....but worth it in the end.
Thanks for stopping by!
It is so nice that this lifestyle has managed to help you overcome your fears and open your heart. And you are so fortunate to be in such a loving, caring, nurturing relationship. Good luck in the future and thanks for sharing such an emotional time in your life.
ReplyDeleteFD
Hi FD :)
DeleteThank you for letting me know you were here :)
I am indeed a lucky girl to have Ryan. He has taken such good care of me over the years, and loved me through some pretty hard times.
I still miss my dad as much as ever, but I have learned I can honor him the most by loving the ones around me...and living my life fully.
Thank you for the well-wishes....best of luck to you as well!