I have to tell you....I am in no place to judge anyone or their marriage. Lord knows Ryan and I have had our share of ups and downs in our 12 years of being married. Almost a year ago, I was contemplating where in the world we would be 10 years from now. I had fears of what would become of us when our boys grew up and left our nest. I don't think ttwd is a magic cure.....and it sure as heck is not for everyone....that is not what I am saying. I guess I am just sad when I look around and see our close friends in the spot we were in not too long ago....and I don't know what to do.
Obviously, I am not going to tell them what we do. Oh my word....that would be an interesting conversation to say the least. My BF has started asking questions....and it is sooo hard not to tell her everything. I have known her since I was four, and she is the closest thing I will ever have to a sister. I want so badly to help her....and knowing that I can't be all in with her kills me. I know a lot of couples on here say that Dd is not all that they are as a couple, and I agree with that sentiment.....but I also know that Ryan and I would not be where we are without it. Right now it is a huge part of how we do everything in our marriage...truly. Maybe that will change.....maybe later it will fall into the background more.....but not now. We both understand that we need this.....and much more than that we want this.
I find myself having to choose my words carefully....to tread a little more lightly than I would like in my conversations with my BF especially. I have pointed her to a few books that I have read when she asks me about the changes. I tell her that I am trying to give Ryan the respect that he deserves, and to think much more carefully about the words I choose to use with him. With her, it is much easier to talk about some of these things, because she is and has always been a very submissive wife. I so wish I had a better word here.
The problem in her scenario is her husband. He can be selfish with his time.....and does not show the kind of affection that she craves. I hurt for her....truly. She is lonely, and at times just does not feel loved. I want to be honest here and say, that at heart, her husband is a good man. He goes to work, and does all of the things he is supposed to do. He is just not trying to be the kind of husband that she needs.
I have other friends who are in the category of "man-haters". What I mean by that is that they are the type that you get on the phone with....and they spend most of the conversation complaining about what their husbands don't do....how they work too much....how they don't help them....how they just want them for sex. Sigh.....
These are the hardest conversations for me to keep my lips sealed during. And yes, a year or so ago....I would have joined right in....and yes, I am ashamed to admit that. I was talking to one of my friends about the whole s-e-x thing. Her theory is that she is not going to give him what he wants until he starts doing the things that she wants. My point to her was that maybe he didn't know what she wanted.....and maybe if she just showed him some attention (wink, wink) that he would respond to her in the ways that she wants. Her response was to ask why in the world she would do that? And I simply told her that somebody has to go first.
So....I am not sure there is a point to this whole post....I am just sad for my friends...and know that I truly have no real way of helping them. We have been able to find a happiness and closeness that we have not felt for years. I guess in a way....I want everyone to know what this kind of love feels like. I fight the urge to shake them and shout
THIS IS THE ONLY LIFE YOU ARE GOING TO GET! IS THIS SERIOUSLY HOW YOU WANT TO SPEND IT?! Instead, I remain silent....and sad.....and wishing to goodness that I could find better words. Like I said in the beginning....I don't think ttwd is for everyone....maybe not for the friends I have mentioned. I just wonder what has happened to love and respect.....and til death do we part? It makes me sit back and think how a couple who once felt that kind of love....would be so willing to throw it all away. Seems like such a waste.....
I completely understand. My sister is in a similar situation with her husband and I have tried to talk to her, but it is very difficult when you're hiding such a big part of your life. I agree that TTWD is such a big thing right now...it is for us too. Hopefully you can find a way to help your friends while maintaining your privacy
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
P
Hi P :)
DeleteIt is frustrating that is for sure....the wanting to help...but not being able to be as blunt as you want to be.
We are in the same boat as you and John so to speak....this way of life is very much in the forefront for us....it kinda has to be since we are still trying to find our way. Maybe one day it won't always be this way.
Thanks for stopping by, and I hope you find a way to help your sister.
~Lucy
Respect for each other is so important. If we build walls between each other, and let the distance and hurt fester, it becomes harder to find the love we can share.
ReplyDeleteI cannot say I have always been perfect but I hate all the man bashing that goes on. For me I try and think about my father, brother and son if I am tempted to bash. It would bring out the protective instincts unleashing my fighting furry on their behalf!
Hi Minelle :)
DeleteIt is sad, but I never realized how important respect was to Ryan until I started giving it to him constantly. It really is like breathing for me. I mean, we all need and deserve it....I just never realized how much I was depriving him.
And yes, the manhaters....I never really felt as badly about Ryan as the things I would hear from my friends....but for whatever reason, it was contagious and it crept into my way of thinking. I am ashamed of that. You are so right....and I can see it now....I would never want anyone to be that way with one of my boys.
~Lucy
You are helping them. You've told them what you have done to help your marriage, you just left out the Dd part. If they decide they want their marriage bad enough, they'll find something. That search is what led most of us here. Their search may led them somewhere else, but the 'light' has to go off in their heads before anything is going to work for them.
ReplyDeleteand if you still feel sad I have this for you...
Maybe you think you can't help them, but you have certainly helped me, and I'm sure many more people than you realize with your blog and your comments!
Love Ya
Willie
Hi Willie (are you proud?)~
DeleteUgh....I always wish I could do more...say more....I don't know who died and made me counselor to the world's marriages! Ha!
I agree they have to want to fix it...but then I think what if they don't know how truly bad things are....and how so darn good they can be? Lord knows I spent enough years in denial before coming out of my little hole to find something better. I think the worst thing would be to settle for the mediocrity and just be okay with that.
Well, I am not sure how much of a help I have been...but I do appreciate you saying that. I only hope my friends find someone/something to pull them out of the fog they are in.
Love ya back....
~Lucy
It seems like the only friends I have are man haters.. I honestly can't talk to them much anymore because I just don't feel that way about my Husband (even if I think he's a meany today)
ReplyDeleteIt's sad to see others in relationships like that and want for them to know how it CAN be.
My husband comes from a broken home, and I have parents who are still together, but bicker and fight all the time... WE are hoping to keep up with fixing our marriage so we can be one of those old couples who have been together forever! (I just need to try harder at times it seems)
Hi Emi~
DeleteI have a few man hatin' friends too! Even if I don't feel that way....I get off of the phone feeling mad...isn't that weird? Like I am mad at Ryan for something he never did. Makes no sense. I have learned to steer the conversation in the other way....or just hum silently in my head while they bare their souls to me about their awful husbands (although they are pretty good guys)! Oy! Hard to do, but better than getting off of the phone and getting myself in trouble ;)
We all need to try harder Emi, not just you. My Lord I have had more not so "angelic" moments than a lot of others I know. The difference is getting back up, accepting that you messed up....and trying to regain your halo :)
~Lucy
Hi Lucy,
ReplyDeleteIsn't it odd how other relationships come into clear focus when living a dd lifestyle? In our case, we could suddenly hear the sarcasm and disrespect in their conversations with each other and others and it was so disturbing. It was disturbing because I knew I had acted just like that myself.
I think showing a different way of being together is quite helpful, and I now what you mean, we have been jokingly asked, "how do you two get along so well" or been called lovebirds, etc... it isn't that we are fawning over each other out in public, it is just that we aren't running down each other to anyone that will listen.
I am so happy for you and Ryan. Ian and I will be a year in the spring too, but I didn't take note of the date. Seems like we have covered a lot of ground since then.
Hugs and love
lillie
Hi Lillie :D
DeleteA lot of things become so clear once you start ttwd. Ryan and I have talked at length about the things we witness with other couples...and it makes us both sad. Like I said, we are no where near perfect...but you can't help but shake your head and pray they find a better way to relate to one another.
I guess I just feel like he and I are so happy...that I want to help....and then he calls it meddling...and well ya know. I get what he is saying...I cannot take on the world's problems...he will just look at me and smile when I am on the phone with a friend and I ask if they have read a certain book or something ;)
I don't know our official date either....I just hope he chooses not to celebrate by buying a new implement or something...Ha! By then Gracie will be here...and maybe you and Ian....Ryan and I can do a virtual champagne toast :D
Hugs and love back at ya....
Lucy
It's hard but maybe by seeing you two, maybe you will inspire others. It's not always easy no matter what. Just keep on keeping on.
ReplyDeleteHi Sunny :)
DeleteIt is awesome to think that we could do that...inspire our friends...that would be cool. Marriage is not easy....no matter what...that is true. My wish for everyone is to have the kind of mate that I have to go through this life with. I am blessed.
~Lucy
Lucy dear - you are helping your BF by the fact that you and Ryan are setting a good example. You said she had noticed and asked questions. Just keep being a good example, the rest has to come from her and her husband. We all have to come to TTWD (in whatever flavor) in our own time. I know your heart hurts for her but all you can do is offer her your good example, friendship, and prayers. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Cat
Hi Cat :)
DeleteI just fear with her....she is not the one that needs the message. That sounds awful...but she is a really, really good wife. And it just breaks my heart. I never saw her life panning out the way that is has. I hurt for her. I have suggested counseling....I don't want to see anything happen to them.
You are right...in the end I just listen and pray....and hope for better things for her. I wish he could see what a gift he has in her.....
I cannot say much more than what's been said to encourage you. You are doing all you can without putting yourself and Ryan in a very vulnerable, potentially harmful situation.
ReplyDeletePlease hear from all these comments that you are not alone. I could have written your post today, word for word. Dave and I talked about this recently; what did we do right? Well, we know what we are doing right, but when we see how so many others we know are living and that they don't have the same amount of happiness and joy that we have we almost feel guilty for having it. But we cannot take that on ourselves. We are working for what we have. It takes putting pride away and to stop asking what are we getting out of this, instead we are putting in. Each of us are.
It is not an easy lifestyle, it takes alot on the part of each spouse, so neither can be selfish for there to be the success that you write about.
Just keep writing about it and being the example you are. You will touch the ones you need to touch because they will want to listen. God Bless.
Hi Jacquie :)
DeleteI totally agree with what you are saying about the whole guilt thing. I do wonder how in the world we got lucky...while so many other couples struggle. I know I can't be responsible for their happiness....but it is hard to see others be so sad.
I feel like the planets just lined up correctly or something for me to have found this. It may not have saved our marriage per say... but it has made us the happiest we have ever been.
Thanks for stopping by :)
As Cat said, you are helping, you are setting an example of what can be in their relationships. Instead of having a vague discontent, they can say - I want what Ryan and Lucy have...you have given them a talking point. You can recommend the books when they ask, but even that, they have to be ready for, it does have to very much be in their own time.
ReplyDeleteHi June :)
DeleteYou are so right....each couple has to be ready to get the help that they need. I guess I just want everyone to have the kind of love that Ryan and I....and so many of you all have. Life is just too damn short to waste it...settling for things being "fine"....ya know?
I know,as other have said, you have a big, beautiful, genuine heart. Your friends - us included - are very lucky to know you. (((hugs)))
DeleteThanks June <3
DeleteThis is a very sweet post Lucy and you have such a big heart...lead by example and I get what you mean about them not knowing...it wasn't that long ago that I thought everything was hunky dory (is that even how you spell hunky dory?)...Now it is like I am awake to all the things that I don't want to be awake too...wish I could go back to "sleep" sometimes:) LOL! I hurt for you hurting for your friend...praying for you:)
ReplyDeleteBea
Bea: Do not go back to sleep :) Great things are just around the corner. I remember having to feel all of these emotions that I was so not used to when my walls started falling. Ugh...it was so hard to face what had become of our marriage. I agree....I also thought things were hunky-dory (looks right to me ;) ) and then I realized how bad things actually were.
DeleteThanks for the prayers. My bf is just such a good person and wife....and I wish he could see that...and appreciate and love her the way she needs.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteFeeling for you Lucy, you have such a big heart. Hopefully they will both come to see what you and your husband have. I am sure she would of already seen the changes in your life and marriage.
ReplyDelete(Sorry deleted my other comment as I got the name wrong :( Been reading blogs one after and got a bit confused! :(
Hi M3...don't worry about the name thing. I do that alll the time. Worry I have signed my blog name to my real life email and vice versa.....good times ;)
DeleteWell not sure about the big heart...but I am a worrier and a try to be fixer.....I need to quit meddling I suppose :D
I guess when I am this happy....I want to spread it around. I realize that is not my place...so I mostly keep it to myself!
Hi Lucy, although you talk about feeling sad for your friends who are unhappy in their marriages, it shows the growth you and Ryan have shared since starting your journey. This post reflects how differently you communicate, and how much closer you are.
ReplyDeleteI think when you start a Dd relationship, you do perhaps notice more how other couples around you react to each other, treat each other and how happy they are.
You highlight a very difficult issue that every Dd/tttwd couple faces. Not being able to talk about Dd with friends and family is a very difficult aspect of this lifestyle, that's why you have your wonderful bloggy friends :)
I would say your responses to your friends have been spot on. You may not think, maybe even from their reaction, that you are helping them but I bet they probably go away and think more about what you said. That may prompt them to make some changes in their relationship, perhaps changing the way they communicate with their husbands .... who knows? I say keep doing what you're doing.
Also, as the others have said, you are also helping by setting an example. As Cat said, the rest really is up to your friends and each couple has to make changes in the relationship in their own time.
Hugs
Roz
ps Lol M3 - I always worry about doing the same thing!
Hi Roz :)
DeleteI am so thankful for all my bloggy friends that is for sure :)
I don't have a huge urge to share that we do this with the world. I just want others to be happy....I mean life is just so short...and it makes me sad :(
I just scanned quickly through the comments and sure hope you see how NOT alone you are in feeling this way. We do the very same thing and when asked, we talk about respect and how we are working hard at how we treat each other. There are friends who I seriously want to hug and then whisper in their ear that there might be another way, that there is a possibility for saving their marriage but at the end of the day I know we can only be a good example and answer questions the best we can.
ReplyDeleteI have told one friend...a friend who was also struggling with her marriage but fighting like the dickens to make it work. That has gone very well and while we have each chosen different roads to the final destination, we can support each other along the way quite well.
Hi Susie :)
DeleteI agree....no matter how we get to a happy marriage.....I want to support my friends...especially my bf. Respect has been huge in all of this. I never realized how much I was depriving Ryan until I started showing him respect....he blossomed (can a man blossom?) how about flourished....anyway I saw a transformation in him :) He has carried this new found confidence into every part of his life. It has been so cool to witness.
I know I am not alone...and I appreciate all of the support :)
I used to hate the secrecy and I used to feel very alone in Dd. But now I am open with my friends that J is in charge. I don't hide my submission in in public. After almost three years I have reached a place of normality, Dd its so natural now so I don't feel a need to share so much. Though I sometimes day dream that we live in a society where Dd is the norm. Wouldnt it be great!
ReplyDelete