Liar, Liar Something is on Fire

Well this blog post has been stirring around in my head for about 10 days now.  I knew that there was no way that I could move on with this blog, without getting this one out first.  The realization that I had done something wrong started with this post from Susie and then continued with this one.  

Then I read this comment from Bas : Thank you Susie,
You know, MM has been at this for some time and so have I. But that does not mean that we actually understand the reason why our beautiful ladies let's themselves be spanked.
Often we don't look further than crime and punishment. Maybe avoiding the crime, so the poor girl does not need to be punished.It is easy to tell ourselves: "she has done her best, she has been nice. I should give her a break".We are always in danger to think that our women's biggest wish is to avoid spanking. And fulfilling wishes from our women is our goal in life.We tend to forget that there may be a reason why the woman still wants to be spanked even when she does not want to be spanked.We are really very much afraid to make a wrong decision, because, indeed we are imperfect. A wrong decision could be disastrous.That's when we need the woman's input most.And that is what you did, with a very confident MM as a direct result.Thank you for boosting my confidence too. 

After reading all of the above I had that sinking feeling in my stomach....the one that tells you that whether you meant to or not.....you have been misleading....sigh.  I still sat on this information for a few days, unsure of what to do....how to make it better.  A few days later, I landed on this blog of Lillie's and I knew I had some confessing of my own to do.

First I have to say, that I never expected to write what I am about to write.  When I brought Dd to Ryan I was very honest as to the reasons why.  I thought that ttwd would be a good tool for our marriage.  A way to solve conflict, to bring out the dominance Ryan used to easily  show, a way to make us closer.  We have been able to accomplish all of those things and so much more.  To say that we are happier than we have ever been is an understatement.

On to the confession part.  I have been pretty open about the fact that I find myself in trouble quite a bit around here.  I have said, and it is true, I am sassy....feisty....and a tad bit stubborn.  I don't often find myself being truly punished very often.  The way Ryan does things around here is like this:  I am only on the receiving end of a serious spanking for something pretty defiant, dangerous or disrespectful.  The days that I get a little sassy I may find myself otk and receiving enough swats to sting and make a point.  This always served us well.....I would get his point and we would move on.  Well, more often than not we would do our own brand of "making up" and then move on ;)  

So a few months or so ago...I am not clear on the timing.....I found myself on the receiving end of one of these mild otk "meetings", and I found myself the slightest bit turned on.  Eeek!  I was disturbed and had no idea why or what was wrong with me.  I did not tell my husband....remember me....Mrs. Uncomfortable in her own skin????  No way was I going to admit that to him.  What I did do was think about it for the next few days.....and here comes the bad part....plot for ways to find myself in that same position again.....without telling him what was really going on.  Yes, really.  Don't hate me.....I know it is horrible.

The next few weeks saw me being quite the sassy lady around here.  I would find ways to irk him just enough...to you know....get what I wanted and then move on.  Lord, this sounds even worse typing it all out.  Sigh.....  I never really thought about what I was doing to the dynamic of our relationship.....the conflict that I was causing him as HoH.  I just spent a lot of time trying to figure out what was going on with my body and why in the world it chose now to go all haywire on me.  To say I was disturbed would be putting it mildly.

Then the day came that Susie posted her blog series above, and my heart was convicted.  Even though her issue and mine were totally different...at the core of it all we were keeping things that needed to be shared to ourselves.  I also read with tears Bas' comment on her blog, and I copied it and emailed it to myself....and read it every day trying to gain the confidence to do the right thing.  While all this turmoil was going on in my head.  Ryan was becoming exasperated with my, in his view, sudden and ongoing disrespect.  One day in the midst of trying to get what I wanted...I pushed too much....and found myself on the end of a spanking that I did not want.  I remember him saying that he did not know what was up with me lately, but he had had enough.  Sigh.....

The day that Lillie's blog post that I linked to was published, I finally had the courage to talk to Ryan.  That was my tipping point.  Our normal talk day is Sunday....but we found ourselves alone in our room, and the boys were asleep.  We were talking and putting together Christmas lights....and I decided enough was enough.  I asked if I could talk to him...read him a few things....and he agreed.  I started with parts of Susie's blogs....and then I got to Lillie's.  And about that time I am crying, and he is wondering what is wrong with me.  I told him the best that I could....with my hands over my face....that I had essentially lied to him.   I explained about why I had pushed him....that the little spankings were causing a fire in all the wrong places so to speak....and I had no idea what to do to make it stop.  

You have to know that in our old life, before ttwd, we NEVER talked about anything like this. No s-e-x talk....no way.  Not because of Ryan, but because of me.  I was very embarrassed by the whole thing.  Truly.  Our lovemaking was very rigid....I was one of those don't do that, don't touch me there...kinda girls.  I just felt like if I ever admitted that I actually liked something that he would think less of me.....again yes really.  The fact that I was able to tell him about the spanking thing was monumental.  Although, the whole conversation included lots of tears and then me burying my head in the covers.  I wanted to die.

I figured after this confession that I was in for it.  After all, I had lied to him....and that is just a huge no go in any relationship.  Ryan got up and sat beside me....he made me sit up and look at him.  And then he did something I will never forget.  He held my hands, and wiped my eyes and said that I was not broken....there was nothing wrong with me....and that he understood.  He was not happy with the lying.....but he was beyond thrilled that I could come to him and admit something like this <~~~~~I so did not see that coming.  And then in typical male fashion he tried to blame himself....some sort of hooey about me being conditioned to liking those types of spankings because of our make up sessions afterwards.  

Ryan was very serious when he said that lying about this would no longer be tolerated.  If I wanted to "play" as he put it, then I needed to tell him that and he would gladly oblige.  BUT, if I started any of the shenanigans I was using to try and get my way....I would be getting way more than I bargained for....enough said!  We talked a lot about how we can differentiate between the different kinds of spankings.  Ways that we can make correction, maintenance, stress relief, and play all very different.  And then, he said that we needed practice at playing....and much to my chagrin and embarrassment we did.....eeek!  

I have no idea how to get over this.....what to do.....how to put the genie back in the bottle so to speak.  I am still very concerned that this has happened, while he is not the least bit concerned that his wife is turned on by all of this.  I would have never guessed that what has happened would ever happen to me....and now that it has....what in the heck do I do?  How do I get over being embarrassed.....there is no way I can see myself asking for this.....why do I get mad when he suggests it.......when will I ever be comfortable in my own skin????