Life seems to be conspiring against us lately. Last time....I talked about issues with our son....and now we have the news that in order to survive....Ryan's mom must fight for her life. Obviously, I cannot go into greater detail here....but suffice it to say....it is bad. This is the time.....I wish he and I could come together....and shelter and love each other.....instead walls are being built faster than we can blink....both of us....building away.
In the last month....we have had issues with 4 appliances in our home....these are little....fixable things....but they still add stress. Our son is worrying us....that falls under the major category. I feel like I have two weeks left of this pregnancy.....if I am lucky....and I am not prepared. And now his mom......
Yes...this is his mom....but she is grandma to my boys....and she has been looking forward to the birth of our little girl for some time now. There is no way she will be able to be there. I feel like our entire life is spiraling out of control....and we are not communicating.....at all......
My heart is breaking...because I don't know what to do. I need him....he needs me....but I am not sure we can continue ttwd....for now. I feel like a box on his checklist....and I feel needy....and I don't want to feel like that right now. I don't want to have to go to him with issues I am having....my God he has enough of his own. I can't be the kind of wife that he wants.....and take care of myself.....and be tough.....so I told him I think we need to stop....for now.
I won't go to him and beg him for his time....I just won't do that. I cannot allow myself to feel so vulnerable and raw.....when he does not have time to deal with that kind of wife. I told him that I would deal with being pregnant....and with our son....and all our appointments....and he could deal with himself and what he needs to do. I feel like a horrible wife for even saying any of this....this all just feels so foreign and dark. I have gotten used to our new way of life....and this just feels incredibly lonely.
I am not saying....I won't be there for him.....that is the last thing I want him to think. What I am saying is that ttwd....needs...requires....must have... time that he just doesn't seem to have right now. He is so stressed....and I do not want to add to that with things that seem so unimportant right now. His mom is sick....how do I say.....I feel neglected....you didn't hug/kiss/touch me yesterday....I need you to pay attention to me? It all just seems very selfish to me....and I won't be that way right now.
What I am left with....is this hardened and cold shell.....that wants to hide behind a wall....and lick her wounds in peace. She wants to be strong....and handle things alone for awhile. The sad thing is....I am having a hard time finding her...the old me.
(((hugs)))) that's what you need. You have enough stuff going on in your life, just relax and enjoy the last little bit of pregnancy because once your princess arrives you will be busy as can be but enjoying every single moment.
ReplyDeletePrayers to Ryan's mom and hope the issues with your son are resolved happily.
Hi Sunny :)
DeleteThanks for the hugs.....it has been a bit crazy around here. I am *trying* to somewhat relax....but it is hard to do right now. We are hopeful....and have faith....that all of these things will work out the way that we so desperately want them to.
Thanks.....
~Lucy
I'm so sorry you two are having such a horribly rough time right now. Murphy's law in full throttle. You should be commended for trying to be selfless and strong. You mentioned that Ryan didn't offer you any affection yesterday, but perhaps that's just what he needs from you. Wishing you all the best.
ReplyDeleteHi Meg :)
DeleteMurphy's law....whatever it is I am ready to build a bunker in the backyard and not come out...until whatever all this is blows over! ;)
Ryan is not a huge fan of me trying to take on the world.....my version of trying to be tough...turned into me being cold...not what I was going for. And you are absolutely right....he needs my affection just as much as I need his right now! :)
Thanks.....
~Lucy
Lucy, it certainly seems that life is conspiring.
ReplyDeleteI hope that her situation improves before the birth of your daughter.
There's really not anything useful that I can add.
It takes two to tango and two to ttwd.
Maybe a break is indeed what you need.
Yes, you can keep giving ttwd, even when he is not able to give ttwd to you.
Hi Bas :)
DeleteLife does seem to be gunning for Ryan and I right now. He almost said, "what else?" And I stopped him....like please, do not invite anymore trouble! ;)
He decided we did not need a break....and also decided that he was done with me trying to be tough and protect him. I can't help it....when things start to get bad....I want so badly to take over. Sigh.....still working on it! :)
Thanks for stopping by....as always :)
~Lucy
I told you last night and now I am telling publicly here. She is YOUR mother in law. You are allowed to be sad FOR YOU too you know. Stop trying to be strong for everyone around you all the time. Go into your dreaded closet close the door and sob uncontrollably because YOUR mother in law is fighting for her life. Stop thinking and allow yourself to feel for a minute.
ReplyDeleteAND THIS....
**The sad thing is....I am having a hard time finding her...the old me. ** This is not sad at all...Because 'the old you' doesn't exist. There is no going it alone in a successful marriage, so don't even try!
Of course you know I am yellling at you, but it is because I love you so very much, you stubborn, stubborn woman. I can't today, but I will call you tomorrow!
Love You !
Wilma
Hi Wilma....
DeleteSheesh! Don't yell...I hear perfectly fine, I just don't always *listen*! ;)
I know...you are right. I was trying so hard to keep it together for him...the kids...and Lord only knows for whoever else. He made it perfectly clear....he had had enough!
I never did find the "old me"....not completely....perhaps she is gone for good! Suppose this is time to celebrate???
Love you back!
~Lucy
Awww Lucy -
ReplyDeleteDang, Meg is right...Murphy's Law is definitely out in full force.
Willie is also right...the 'old you' doesn't exist anymore so quit wasting valuable time and energy trying to find her.
I do believe, even if you don't realize it, that your pregnancy hormones are running some of these feelings. So first thing, stop, breathe, and take one thing at a time.
The appliances will get fixed.
You are prepared for Gracie's arrival, that is just the hormones and fear talking.
Your son's issue is concerning but it sounded in your last post as if you have a plan for it. One step at a time.
Your MIL is a member of your family and has been for years, mother to your beloved husband, grandmother to your treasured children...you have the 'right' to be just as upset as Ryan.
TTWD is working and meeting every challenge together. Giving as well as taking. Right now Ryan needs those walls torn down, he needs the hugs, kisses and touching as much as you do. Reach out to him, hug him tight and let him know you will get through all of this together, as one unit. By pulling back, trying to be 'strong', handle things alone, you are actually weakening both of you. Please believe that I am not saying this to be mean to you sweet Lucy but to hopefully show you a different way to deal with all of this that will be healthier for you, Ryan and your family.
Sending lots of warm hugs, healing energy and prayers for all of you.
Blessings,
Cat
Hi Cat :)
DeleteHormones??? Who me? Man, I think you are right....I may be slightly hormonal...sigh...
When things went south with Ryan's mom....every little bump became a landmine....and I just could not take anymore. If the baby came tomorrow...we would be fine. My son...yes, have a plan. And, thank the Lord and Ryan...the appliances are working again! Whew!
I was wrong to try and stop ttwd. I can see that now....you were right in your assessment. The few days that it was gone...were long...and lonely...and hard. I did not realize how much it is a part of who we are now. We are definitely stronger with it...than without!
Thanks for the prayers....keep them coming for his mom :)
Hugs and love....
~Lucy
I think these wise ladies have pretty much covered it! You both need each other right now in very gentle ways and life is overwhelming you. Please find a quiet moment in the chaos and hug him, talk a bit and come up with a plan for connecting with each other every day for the next while. You need it and Cat is right, you'll both be stronger if you let yourselves be fully vulnerable in front of each other and just hold onto each other through it. That's where the strength comes from.
ReplyDeleteI'll be praying for your MIL, your son and little Gracie.
Hi Susie :)
DeleteThank God I have all of you to help me walk through this mess...I mean seriously....my idea of helping made a bigger mess of things. My first instinct in crisis is to take over...and try to protect everyone. And then I feel like I am a burden....and try to become tough girl....and it becomes a train wreck. I just wanted so badly to keep him from hurting....and I failed to see that if we were not connected....I could not be a help to him. Lots of talking...and a trip to the closet....where he made it clear I was not a burden....and we are finding our way again.
Thanks for the prayers...they are appreciated!
~Lucy
Since finding blogland, I so often wish I had the power to send a real hug from Canada to others....
ReplyDeleteWhen I look back on Ian and my life together, it very often seems as though troubles came in swarms.
I am so very sorry to hear that you have all these challenges at once. I guess, sweetie, I would just add that trying to be something that you are not, will not make things easier - only harder.
I think in God's infinite wisdom he prepares us for the difficult times in our lives with the closeness we achieve in intimacy with our partners.
We aren't two individual people anymore, there is just one very strong union. The answer is to learn on each other and communicate, as has been said above, let your vulnerabilities show to each other - and it will make you stronger to the world.
Prayers to you all, sweetie and big big hugs
lillie
Hi Lillie :)
DeleteTroubles do seem to come in clusters! I told Ryan after all of the stress was going on.....that I was going to build a bunker in the backyard...and not come out until this all blows over or I am in labor ;)
I made a huge mistake trying to stop ttwd. I thought at the time....me trying to be tough for him....would be helpful. But all it did...was drive a wedge between us. He "helped" me see the light....wasn't that sweet of him?? ;) But yes, things between he and I are much better.
Thanks for the prayers....we sure did need them!
Hugs....
~Lucy
When Illness or issues with our children happen, that stress is overwhelming... then add a pregnancy, and Ryan's mom. You must all be on auto pilot dealing with the day to day stuff. I am sure that you are also called to help with the difficult decisions regarding Ryan's mom.I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I agree with everyone,let yourselves feel.Be there for each other. There is no easy way here, just one step at a time.
ReplyDeleteI will keep you all in my prayers.
Hi Minelle :)
DeleteI think for awhile we were just in a fog. It all just seemed very surreal...it happened so fast. We have talked a lot...he and I....and we know in order to deal with all of this...we have to be connected. Yes, one step...sometimes one second at a time.
Thanks for the prayers...we sure need them!
~Lucy
Lucy, I am so sorry to hear about Ryan's Mom and everything else you are currently dealing with. All so overwhelming and stressful. I agree with everyone else, lean on and support each other.
ReplyDeleteSending you positive thoughts, prayers and huge, huge (((Hugs)))
Roz
Hi Roz :)
DeleteThanks for the prayers....and hugs :) We are sorting all of this out....it is stressful....but I have learned in all of this.....that we need ttwd....and I guess that is the bright spot in all of this. I have come to realize how much it is a part of us now.
Hugs...
~Lucy
{{{{HUGS}}}} I think it's great that you are trying to do what is best for your husband. But I wonder if that is what is best? When we lost a child, almost two years ago now, my husband tried to do the same for me. But it ended up being not what I needed. Sorrow and stress can divide a couple so quickly, and one thing we were told over and over again by everyone is that we had to go through it all together, not to just process and deal with life on our own. Maybe you can go into his world? Maybe you can offer your affection to him, at times distract him, help him feel loved, but at the same time, encourage and compliment him for the man he is, how proud you are of him, how much you trust him, how strong you feel he is and that you are there for him. And ttwd may be just what he needs at times. When you lose someone you love, or about to, your world seems so out of control. Even just feeling that he has control when it comes to you might be a big help. And who knows, spankings can be hard to take, but for a man, they can be very theraputic, so maybe he still needs that door open for those reasons as well. I hope you are able to find a balance, and I hope that the second he holds his daughter he can miss his mom, but also feel so much joy for the future. {{{HUGS}}} Will be praying for you as you face so many emotional situations, I know it's hard, but I promise, the bad/hard times don't last.
ReplyDeleteHi Es May :)
DeleteFirst, I am so sorry that you lost your child....that just breaks my heart.
And yes, I was wrong to stop ttwd. I did not realize how much we have come to rely on this way of life...how much it is a part of us now. I am doing my best to support him....love him....and be the kind of wife that he needs and wants me to be. It is hard to watch him go through this...but it is a walk that we need to take together....and we have to be connected in order to do that successfully.
Thanks for the prayers....
Hugs...
~Lucy
Lucy I think you've gotten some amazing advice on here. You need Ryan, but he needs you too! Thing is that being submissive to your husband, being vulnerable...none of those things make you weak...I actually think they take more strength. You are a strong woman and you and Ryan will face these storms and any others that come your way and you will do it together. ((((Hugs))))
ReplyDeleteLove
P
Hey P :)
DeleteWell....yes, you are right. I felt weak....I felt like a burden. What I didn't see is that by trying to be tough...I was actually breaking down our dynamic...and weakening the both of us. Sigh....and I was *trying* to help! We are finding our way back....together....the way we should be.
Hugs and love...
~Lucy
Lucy everything has been said. Good strong advice. If you have to stop some parts of TTWD don't worry about it. It'll be there when you're not. Ryan needs you - go hug him now and tell him all the things he wants to hear. You mother in law is in good hands, and God will decide the outcome. It seems the last thing she would want is for you to make yourself ill with stress. Blow the wretched kitchen appliances. They will also be there later. Focus on giving birth and bringing a new little person into the world, a new sister for your boys, and a lovely, lovely shiny new daughter for you and Ryan to love. The tapestry of life can be painful and complicated, but it can also be something marvellous. Don't allow those walls to get built. I'm sending you lots of blessings and hugs. You will get through this Lucy!
ReplyDeleteLove, Ami
Hi Ami :)
DeleteStill praying for you and your man!!
You are so right Ami...he needs me...God knows I need him....and that is all that really matters....that we love each other through all of this. We are looking forward to the birht of our girl....hoping that she will be the ray of sunshine that we all need right now!
Hugs and love and prayers to you!!!
~Lucy
(((hugs))) Lucy. There's not much more that I can say that has not already been said...just to reiterate, leaning on each other won't make you weaker, or compromise the other. The fist few minutes may be a little messy, but once you come through that it will be better, and you will feel connected and stronger. If you need to talk, or just need someone to sit and hold your hand, we're here.
ReplyDeleteHi June :)
DeleteMy apologies for getting to your comment sooooo late. Things have been crazy, and I hope you understand! I promise to do better next time :)
I appreciate all of my bloggie friends, I really do. You all know more about me than my "real life" friends....and all the comments and emails have pulled me through this mess. Thank you <3
I do understand, sweetie, no need to apologize to me. Sometimes life happens, even when we wish it would sit there quietly & let us get on with living :)
Delete(((hugs)))
Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts and prayers to you, Ryan, his Mom, your son and the little girl we're all so excited to 'meet.'
ReplyDeleteI think...just hug and kiss him, for him. Just for him. Hold him tight and tell him you love him. You are a wonderful wife and Mama, Lucy. The rest will come in time.
Elisa Xo
Hi Elisa :)
DeleteI have been horrible about commenting or blogging as of late. I am so sorry....eeek! I feel really bad :(
We have been working our way through this mess....and I know that he will always have my back....and he knows I will always have his. Some days I fail miserably at this wife and mother bit....but I am coming to realize that that is normal....and the most important thing is to get up and try again!
Hugs....and thanks :)
~Lucy