Trust.....

It is a funny thing...ttwd....just when you think you have unearthed everything you could possibly find....something else comes to the surface....and forces you to pause...and yet again search within yourself for the answers.

I have felt a churning deep inside me for the past week or so.  Things have happened around here....little things....well, things that seemed little on the outside...that have caused me to question the respect and trust I have in Ryan.  I have made some stupid mistakes lately....I am human.....it certainly won't be the last time I fall.  In looking at what I had done....I began to question the whys.....why would I do something that I knew would upset/hurt/go against my husband.  It was bothering me....and honestly it was keeping me up at night.

I set out on a quest to fix whatever in the heck was going on with me.....and I asked Ryan for some time to talk to him one evening.  He led me up the stairs....and we sat on the bed.....and I began to pour out my heart to him.  I told him that I never imagined ttwd becoming all that it has for us.  That when I first brought this to him....that I saw it as a way to solve conflicts....something that would stay between the two of us. And then, slowly....I began to see it spread into other areas of our lives...and I was not prepared for that.  I was so naive when we started all of this....I just had no idea that ttwd would take on the life that it has.  That it touches everything we do...it is a constant....no turning it off.  I said that I felt like the farther we get into this...the more nervous I become....the more I scramble to hold on to what little control I have left.  I explained that I felt like I was disrespecting him.....fighting him all along the way.....and I had no idea how to stop.

As is typical in our relationship....he took what I said....and turned it a different way....a way that I never saw coming.  I sat there and listened to him talk....as quiet tears found their way down my face......

Lucy, I don't see this as a respect issue.  This is about trust.  For this to work the way that we both want it to....you have to become vulnerable to me....and trust that I won't hurt you.  Think about this....the last...the ONLY person you ever fully loved and trusted was your dad....and he left you.  You were still a kid...you guys were not done....and God knows he didn't want to go....but he did.  And I think you get scared....and you hold onto control because deep down you are afraid...if you ever put all of your trust into me....I would leave.  You have to believe that I am not going anywhere.... I've got you....and when you accept that....the trust will come.

I thought a lot about what Ryan said the rest of the night.....and most of the next day.  I realized I had no idea HOW to begin to trust him....I had no idea what to do....or what it should look like.  On the way back home from dropping off the boys....I remembered a moment I shared with one of the twins this past summer.  We signed the boys up for swim lessons....and on the third session....they began working on trying to float on their backs.  I was sitting back....watching him with his teacher in the deeper water.  I could see his little eyes full of fear....his body rigid and not moving.  I walked to the side of the pool...squatted down...and said, "Baby....it is okay....you can trust him....he is not going to let you fall.  I would never give you to someone who would hurt you."  And, his little body relaxed a little....and he was able to lay back in his instructors arms....and learn the very basics of floating.  Trust....

I have this vision in my head that ttwd is a big pool of water.  In the very beginning....I just looked warily at the water.....and then I became a little braver and dipped a toe in.....a little more time....and trust....and I allowed myself to dangle my legs over the side and splash about.  Now, I find myself chest deep.....and I can see Ryan in the deep end....holding out his hands...urging me to come to him.  I look back....and I see my dad...squatting down on the edge of the pool...just like I did for my son...and he is saying, "Baby, it is okay...you can trust him....he is not going to let you fall.  I would never give you to someone who would hurt you." 

Today...I have played this over and over in my mind....and I will continue to do so...until I get this right.  My dad knew Ryan's character before I saw it.  He knew I would marry Ryan before I did....and he would never give his blessing to someone he thought would hurt me. 

This year, my dad will be gone 14 years.  Ryan and I were both very young when that moment came in 1999.  I was forever changed by that time....and by the love that Ryan showed to me in my darkest hour.  The day that life support was turned off....Ryan came to me and said that he had some things he needed to say to my dad.  Together, we walked down the long hallway....and into dad's room.  Ryan stood at the side of my dad's bed and said, "As long as you are alive, it is your job to take care of Lucy.  But I want you to know, that when the time comes....and you have to go...I am not going to let anything happen to her.  I've got it from here."  With that, my dad turned and looked at him....and with as much strength as he could muster....he lifted his hand...to shake Ryan's hand.

All of these years later....Ryan has kept that promise.  Through the good times and the bad....he has stood beside me...cared for me....and loved me.  If that doesn't deserve my trust....I really don't know what does.

So, I keep visualizing the water....and I will make my way to him....and I will lay back in his arms....and believe.....and trust.....that he will not let me fall.