A new addition to the family.........

Oh no.....it is NOT what you are thinking.....definitely not one of these....

Although really.....how cute is THAT???  And, it is not one of these....

But honestly don't you just want to name it Fluffy and keep it for your very own?!  Ryan has banned cats in our house.....because he is just a big ole' meanie.  Men!  No, my friends....the new addition to our family is not nearly as cute and cuddly as a baby or a kitten......and I certainly do NOT want to name it fluffy.  The new addition to our family is one of these.....

  

See?  Not cute or cuddly....and I never see the day coming that I will refer to it as "fluffy" :(  So, this is the story of how that thing came to live in our house.  I will just take you back to the day that Ryan decided we needed one of those (I can't say the P word!).  I was trying to be helpful and direct his attention to some lovely little models on line.....that I *thought* looked like the "nicest" of my options. Though now looking back, it was like asking a condemned man if he would rather be shot or electrocuted.  When....out of nowhere.....he decided he was going to make his own....well you know....one of those things.  Gah!  I have no idea why....but that bothered me.  It seemed a tad bit on the barbaric side.....let me just go out in the garage and fashion a piece of wood to spank my beloved's hiney off with.....see??  HORRIBLE!  I would have taken it a lot better if he would have paid $19.99 plus shipping and handling to some other Joe Shmoe who I will never meet.  One night after work he came home with.....sigh......a piece of  OAK and a case of beer.....because we are nothing if not all class in this house. ;) He smirked at what I am sure was a look of horror on my face....and he took that piece of God-forsaken oak out into the garage.....and I didn't see it again for a few weeks.

So days later.....he is out puttering in the garage....and I peep my head out and ask what he is doing.......and then I see it.....that piece of oak is lying on his work bench....and he looks deep in thought. I tried.....oh how I tried to lure him in the house.  If not for four little people and my mother living in this house I may have stripped all my clothes off and made my way to that little work bench.....but I digress.  He told me to just quit worrying and go back in the house.  QUIT WORRYING?!  How is that even remotely possible when he was out there making an implement of doom?  So, I did the next best thing.....I called my friend Betsy :)  I relayed the whole ugly scene to her.....and being the good friend she is....she gasped and then broke into laughter!  Thanks so much for that by the way ;)  I no more than tell her his evil plan is underway....when I begin to hear power tools going off.  My heart started pounding....and I told her I thought I heard a drill.  She said, "Surely it is not a drill?  He wouldn't need to drill holes in it....you're not that bad!"  Again, thanks for that... and remind me to have Ryan make Brice a gift with holes....okay?

So she and I banter on for a bit...laughing about what has become of our lives.....and I slowly start to relax....because I think that this little project is going to take awhile.  To set the scene....I am sitting in my bedroom when Ryan opens the door.  He is hiding something behind his back.....and I am thinking no way can it be done yet.  He asked me who I was talking to....and when I told him Betsy....he responded with a cheerful, "Oh good."  And then proceeds to pull a massive looking p-a-d-d-l-e out from behind his back.  I let out a GASP....and I hear Betsy saying, "What....what is going on?"  So there stands my husband looking incredibly proud of this thing that he created in alarmingly under 30 minutes....and I want to die.  My heart is about to beat right out of my chest....and my palms are sweating.  Ryan says, "Look, look how smooth this is.  Do you want to feel it?"  Seriously??  Do I want to feel it?!  Hell no....I want to burn it.  And yes, I was smart enough to keep that little tidbit to myself....but dear Lord....what was he thinking?  He then goes on to explain how he made it.....and blah blah blah.....all the while Betsy is in the background trying to stifle her laughter.  I finally got him to leave the room.....and he did.....and he left that darn thing out where I could see it :(

I then told Betsy that I better learn how to reform my behavior....and I better do it quick.  I was a model wife alllll day.  I cleaned and cooked....and smiled all the while.  I was working myself into a tizzy buzzing around the house like June Cleaver on speed.  But I mean really.....who was I trying to kid?  I am Lucy after all.....and I knew that eventually my halo would come crashing down on me.  My halo found its way around my ankles all too soon.  I forget what I did to find myself in the closet with that thing.....but what I know for sure is that being spanked with Ryan's creation has been like nothing I have ever experienced in my life.  I hate, hate, hate it.....and he love, love, loves it.  Something about not having to put a lot of effort into spanking me is a perk for him.  So glad that worked out for him.....sheesh!

What I can say about this experience is that it has been unnerving to live with that thing in the house.....by the way it really needs a name.  Brice (Betsy's incredibly helpful husband) suggested "Ole Glory"....um yeah, I think NOT!  I usually refer to it as, "No, no....I am sorry....I hate that thing!"  But, I am thinking that name is perhaps too long. ;)  If you all need me....I will be continuing my quest to be the most well behaved wife in the Mid-West......oh stop your laughing! :D