And as scary as that is.....it is truly not the worst. Once Ryan has honked me off.....I lose all submission. I become like a crazed dog with a bone.....no way am I going to let him have my submission.....and if he gets too close.....I growl....and snap.....and threaten to attack.
It seems to be a pattern around here lately......I guess I should give you a pretty embarrassing example to illustrate my point. Sigh..... I decided a few weeks ago that I was going to do a 30 day exercise challenge that I found online. I asked Ryan to print off the calendar for me. He did....but he modified my little calendar. Instead of printing off the calendar with the mommy looking model/woman who was in the picture....he replaced it with a woman who I know for sure has NEVER given birth....let alone to a set of twins and two other children....grrrrr! His explanation was that this new woman (who had a behind of steel) reminded him of me. I was SO not buying what he had to sell. In fact I was furious that he handed me my workout calendar with that picture on it. It made me feel like I was not good enough....and well, I got mad. I was furious....and no matter what he did to try and reel me in.....I continued to growl and clench tighter on my beloved doggy bone.....
I didn't care to hear any of his explanations.....no matter what he said....I believed he was lying. I was hurt that he put that picture on my calendar.....and as always....my hurt turned into anger. And boy.....when I get mad about something.....I will not let it go. For whatever reason....I feel like the longer I am mad....the more I make him pay.....the better off I am. This is without a doubt the way we used to fight. Ttwd has managed to fix so many things in our life.....but this.....I am just not sure how we are going to get past it. When I am mad....forget it.....our life becomes Submission: Impossible.
So I guess in short.......my feelings get hurt.....and I get mad.....and submission flies out the window. My poor husband is left reeling....not sure what has just happened. And while he is trying to shake the shell shocked feeling....my anger gets worse.....and I refuse to be a part of ttwd. Whether he has done something that should truly upset me....or just makes a simple mistake....I am ready to attack. Anytime he gets too close...and tries to extract my submission....I growl....and hold on tighter. The bad thing is....that I can let this drag on for days. I hold a grudge like no one I know.....but only to Ryan. It is not something I am proud of. And it is something that I do want to change. Every time that we go through one of these bad moments....I swear the next time I am going to be more level headed. And then next time comes.....and I am back here again......
When I really want to be here......
Perhaps this doggy needs some obedience classes........
{{{HUGS}}} It is so very hard to hear from our men that we are loved, and look beautiful. It hurts almost to think they are telling the truth, we believe so differently, that we assume they are lying. I am sorry what he did got you upset, making your goal seem even harder to attain. I am sorry he didn't realize what it would do to you, how it would hurt. I don't know if this helps, but for the Duke and I, those hugs mistakes he makes, were usually made with his heart behind it, with a different message intended than I received it as. I hope things work out, and that Ryan doesn't get his arm chewed off in the mean time. ;)
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate Lucy. Why is it that someone can say something to me and I'm very easygoing or forgiving, but hubby can say something and I take it hard and often overreact? I don't know, but I do try to work on it....
ReplyDeleteBut one thing I have realized is that it's too volatile for hubby & me to discuss diet & exercise things, so we don't go there anymore. I can share with him my goals or what I've learned or accomplished, but he doesn't offer to help because he knows better, lol.
:) Cali
Lucy, it looks to me as though you've written through what happens and why. That's half the battle. Getting this fat often eludes most people, myself included. It's difficult to dissect ourselves, because we can't see and examine ourselves in that objective way we look at others.
ReplyDeleteNow you just need to pin down how you're going to keep your promise to yourself to stop this, and make it a habit. Easy-peasy, right?! Lol!
Seriously, it's great you see the behavior for what it is. I truly hope you find a way to help keep yourself from going on days-long mads at Ryan. I know that anger had to make you miserable.
And the calendar thing? Take Ryan at his word. He sees you through his eyes, not yours or anyone else's. You can choose to give the guy a break on this one, forgive him and let it go so it doesn't keep eating you up. If that is too goody-goody for you yet, draw a mustache and mud boots on Calendar Barbie and throw a daily day at your calendar. If you hit her, reward yourself with as small, non-food award.
Hugs,
Irishey
Oh Sweetie :)
ReplyDeleteFirst can I say, i didn't know you're a twin mommy too, lol that makes three of us, that I know off :)
Yes I can hold grudges too against Balu, well I used to, and I used to hold him at a distance, and "teach" him what it means to upset me, which usually led to us not talking for days, and arguing if we did talk, and just feeling miserable :(
This is something I no longer can do, If I'm angry I have to tell him why, and in a calm manner, or I can get spanked, and then tell him in a calm manner :( either way, pulling away, and not talking and "growling" at him, just doesn't pull anymore. It's took some time over the last few months to get to this, as he now will step up and call me on it. It might take a few goes, and some cooling off period, but either way things are dealt with. It's more a mind thing for me, he sort of refreshes my mind, about what we "actually me" decided is needed to bring me down from my little tree, or my extremly high horse haha
Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure Ryan does see you the way he said, even if you can't see it :)
Talk to each other and figure out a way to deal with these situations. ask yourself what you need to happen, for you to step away from your bone, and let him share it with you :)
I hope everything is better soon, and that you two are finding your way back :)
Hugs x
Ooh, they just think they are being so darn clever and funny sometimes, don't they??
ReplyDeleteDo you think you would have reacted this same way if he hadn't (what did you call it?) honked you off before the calendar incident? You said you were spiraling into a bad place, so maybe that was just the final straw? Or maybe I misunderstood and the calendar incident led you into the spiral? Anyway, the point is, this is something that you've identified as a stumbling block and knowing is half the battle, right? Now you just have to figure out what to do to avoid it in the future:) ((HUGS))