A Matter of Perspective

I had so many thoughtful comments on my last blog, that I felt I really could not answer them all properly.  I hope you all don't mind...if I take the easy way out....and update everyone together :)

As I write this, we have had another mini setback with Ryan's mom.  She is in the hospital...again.  And we really aren't sure what the problem is.  We are waiting for her to be transported to a better....bigger hospital....so I sit here....and I write.  I keep saying over and over to myself, "I will not take over... I will not shut down.... We will get through this.... This is just our life right now."

After I wrote the last blog, I really took some time to review the past few months of our life.  I kept saying, "We have had so many setbacks."  And then I came to realize....NO!....we haven't had setbackS....we have had one issue....that keeps getting compounded.  I know that probably sounds silly....but just framing it that way....has helped me tremendously.  It is not as if we have a million things going wrong in our life...causing us all of this grief.  Once I looked at it in that way.....I could breathe a little easier. Before I felt like so much was wrong that we would never in life get it all put back together.  Now I can see, we can only control so much....and the rest?  Well, it simply is the hand we have been dealt.

There are only so many variables I myself can control.  Mainly I can control how I react in any given situation....and I have control over what I put out into the universe so to speak.  This is without a doubt, one of the hardest walks we have walked as a couple.  But, we know that we can't just roll over and die.  Life is always going to be full of adversity....and this is just one of those times. I think it was Lillie who left the comment talking about how certain things in your life just have to be. No matter how hard we rail against it.....we know the end result.....and what we are focusing on now, is how to best support each other through this journey.

Immediately following me pushing publish on that last post....I was blessed to have so many of you email me or find me on chat.  Thank you seems really inadequate, but for now that is the best I have got.  Just being able to talk this out...cleared up so much in my mind.  Susie (and I hope you don't mind me putting this out here) asked me point blank if I had just gotten mad at God yet....and that He could handle my anger......and that I needed to redirect that away from Ryan.  That was a huge moment for me....and something I desperately needed to hear.  My anger was crippling us.  I still am not sure what it was all about.....but I was probably as honest with Ryan as I had ever been....because truthfully, we didn't have time for me to hem-haw around.....we both needed to be on the same page as soon as possible.  We talked....and cried...and yelled.....and in the end we came together.

So, here we are.....and I am so terrified to say we are better.....but it does feel so much better than it has in months.  I am walking a very fine line between being strong when he breaks....following my leader....and being soft when that is what he needs.  Is it a balancing act?  Absolutely, and I am not exactly all that graceful....and I do expect as some point I will fall.  The great part about that is.....I have acknowledged that to myself....and to him.....and he has ways to reel me back in if need be.  I told him....that there are parts of ttwd that I will never understand.  But I asked him to please not treat me like a stick of dynamite.  I know at times I will want to explode.....heck at times I may actually do it.  I have come to see....that in those times especially.....I need him to walk towards me....not away.  Bless his heart.....all of this time later.....he still has guilt about marching me to the closet to hash this stuff out.  I don't understand why it works...but it does. And as bravely as I could, I told him to please not be disappointed in me if that need becomes a little greater.  I think as things continue to decline.....I will need to feel him in that way...and like I said, we have no time for me to keep these things to myself.  This is just one of those moments....you have to lay it out on the line....and hope and pray that you grow from it.

Tonight I will go to bed.....and Ryan will tuck me under his arm.....and I will feel completely safe and loved.  I have no way of knowing what tomorrow may bring. but what I do know is that whatever may occur....we will get through it....our world will go on....and we will focus on all the good that is happening.  I will remind myself why we started this way of life....and I will concentrate on doing things to lighten his load.  I will remember that he will lead us through whatever may come our way.  I will love my children and thank God for their health and love.  And I will have faith that though ones we love may leave us......we will see them again someday.  I refuse to treat this as a crisis anymore....this is from now on.....simply a matter of perspective.