The last few months in our house, have not been fun ones. It has been one of the hardest times I have been through in my life....no joke. I have heard people talk about "seasons" in marriages...and this has felt like the dead of winter....at the end of July. I am not even sure what the problem is....I have no idea where we keep going wrong...it doesn't really matter what we call it....it is just bad.
At best, we go 2-3 days with things going smoothly.....and then out of nowhere....a roadblock pops up....and we are off our little path again. My feelings have been hurt so many times....and I know I have said some terrible things to Ryan. I own my part of this.....but just this once....I hope you all don't mind....if I just vent it all out. This may not make sense....and it may seem like I am blaming Ryan for everything....I promise I know my faults....and you all know that at the end of the day he is a damn good man. But Lord....I have to get this out.
First off, I know that I have not been right since I gave birth five months ago. I was in denial for a very, very long time. On one of my posts a couple months back...a few of you implored me to go to the doctor....and I did not heed that advice. My logical self knows that it is very normal for hormones and things to go wonky after birth....some days I feel like I have completely lost my mind. I have 4 children under the age of 7.....that is a lot....I would think for anyone to deal with. My husband works his butt off so I can be at home with the kids....and he goes to school one night a week. I have a mother in law who is dying. And then I have all the "normal" worries that people everywhere have: worrying about money to pay for college...private school...preschool. Wondering if I am a good enough mom and wife. Hoping that I have time enough for the laundry and the house....and at the same time wanting to spend precious time with my boys before schools starts up again. I worry about the kids and pray that I have given them the confidence to go to school and show everyone how wonderful they truly are...because for the first time I won't be right there to help them. Ugh...the list goes on and on....
Our marriage is weathering one hell of a storm right now. I was thinking today...that it is a good damn thing that Ryan and I took our marriage vows so seriously....because there have been times in these last few months I told myself I stood in front of God and everyone and said forever....and I won't go back on that. I won't take my children's father from them....and deep down I love this man...
Have you ever felt something was just at your fingertips....and try as you might to grab it....it is just beyond your reach? That is how I have felt. What do I want? I want the life we had at the beginning of the year. Before we heard the word Cancer....before my body was wracked with hormones gone wild. I want the couple who were so in love...and giddy...holding hands...cuddling on the couch. I want to feel cherished and taken care of.....and I want to respect and admire my husband again. I want to hear his voice....feel his touch....see his face....and feel like I did when we rang in the New Year. I remember writing that this year held so much promise....that excitement was just waiting to burst on the horizon....and I believed that with everything that I had. I am mad as hell at what has become of my life. I am not sure what I have done...or what we have done wrong here....maybe nothing....maybe this is just simply the hand we have been dealt. I have been in the shower on many occasions....and through my tears cried, "Really God?? Really? What have I done to deserve this?" I have lived enough life to know....that for everything there is a reason. We may not know at the time what it is....but there is one. I was able to find one in my own dad's death....and I know....I have to believe....that at the end of this...it will all become clear.
I desperately need time alone. I haven't been alone in I don't know how long. I don't want to pour anyone's juice....cut the crust off of one more PBJ sandwich....or break up another fight. I want to sit and listen to quiet....just for a few hours. For the last three weeks we have planned a day for me to have 2-3 hours alone. That is all I really want....2-3 hours one time a week....and I swear I will be a happy girl. Every week it is planned...something always happens...and IT doesn't happen :( The sad thing is...I think sometimes I sabotage my own time alone. I can carry guilt like no one's business....seriously. If I leave Ryan alone with the kids....I feel bad. If he lets me sleep in....I feel bad. If he offers to help me do things...I feel bad. It makes no sense. I want all of those things...yet when they happen or are offered....I cannot for the life of me accept them graciously. Then when they don't happen...I swear to the heavens that no one wants to help me. Does that makes sense....absolutely not...but I don't know how to fix it. My nerves are just shot...absolutely fried. And to top all of that off...I have essentially tied Ryan's hands....and not allowed him to help me.
Things between the two of us have become so complicated. I want simplicity back. I want to rewind time....go back to when ttwd was just a part of who we were.....like the breath in our bodies. Back to when I could be sassy...feisty...and yes even stressed....and he knew that he could spank my behind...and for whatever reason....it worked. It really was that simple. We lived our lives without set rules or complicated guidelines. He was the head of our home....and I was his princess....truly. I loved and respected him....and in turn he cherished and took care of me. We have gotten away from the very simple equation of treating one another that way...and watching how miraculously it could transform a marriage. Now there is so much hurt and distance between us....it all seems so far out of reach....and yet I know....it is just right at our fingertips.
The road we have traveled on for the last year plus is still there...this I know. We may not see it right now. This season of our life is cold and lonely. Snow and ice cover what once was an easy path to follow. Yet I have faith.....that one day the sun will shine again.....and we will find our way back to where we want to be. I have always known ttwd is not a cure....but for us...there is no turning back. This is who we are....this is who we desire to be. And yes, sometimes it gets ugly....and hard....gut wrenchingly hard....but I believe this journey will be worth it....and so does he. So at the end of the night...yes, my heart aches....but I know this man like I know my own hand.....and he loves me at my worst....we will get through this....there really is no other option.
You know I am with you,(and you know sadly that it is winter here too). I wish I could offer some public words of support, but I know that you understand why I can't.
ReplyDeleteTTWD aside, try 'baby steps' to relieve your guilt of leaving-if you must. Take an 'easy' child with you somewhere for a bit. Perhaps get Gracie's stroller, drive somewhere different and go for a walk for an hour. OR plan your time away in the afternoon when all is quiet for Ryan too. Just baby steps until you feel less guilt for being away.
Of course there is still my telephone suggestion of going outside, when the kids are napping, (instead of napping or 'catching' up on things- nothing house wise has to be perfect...you need a new norm for that..{ps-go buy more underwear for everyone, life is better that way!}) grab a beverage, whether it be tea, diet coke or eeek, wine, and read. Clear your mind. Reboot the 'computer'. Refresh Screen. Call it what you want. Carve out your own time.
OH stop making excuses and DO IT. I KNOW it works dammit!
****
When the boys were little, and Barney's schedule was crazy, I would plan a picnic in our bedroom. After the kids went to bed,(or even naptime) I would set it all up in our room,finger food, candles the whole nine yards( I know honey you can start simpler *wink*). We would close the door, crack open a bottle of wine (sigh or beer) and enjoy each other. Sometimes we didn't even talk that much. There was no agenda on things that needed to be said. No pressure.
Yes, it sounds like work, but it is a fun thing to do. It helped me focus on Barney and I- getting ready for our secret little get away, during the day. Some days it took forever to prepare, because of the crust cutting, and the juice clean up etc...and it wasn't always the way I wanted it to look, but in the end, we still closed the door and it was just us in the room. Heck some days I even had to DRAG myself in there!
As for the horror moans, after I had Mr. Man #3, my skin felt too tight. I felt like my blood was boiling under the surface. I was never upset with the kids, but the world in general was ticking me off. God forbid that inanimate object that didn't work properly! I know this doesn't offer you any solution. I suspect that it was because I had reached the dreaded age of 3-0 that it took longer to feel 'normal' again after him. Good news, I did return.
My point, yes I do have one, and you know this already- if you have nothing left to give to people around you, in your heart, it is because you need to feed your soul...( yeah cheesy but true). So stop thinking of your time away as a guilty pleasure, but as nutrition for you, so you can feed your family. Offer them the YOU that you want to. This also includes Ryan. BUT with Ryan, it may also be as 'simple' as fake it 'til you make it again. You darn well know that if you find away to soften a bit, the winter becomes spring- HOW you do it, well that is the challenge isn't it?
I love you my friend, and I know that this too shall pass. You know any time to text me and I will pick up that phone and call...gotta love the 'free' North American phone plan!
willie
Hi Wilma :D
DeleteI know you remember what the craziness of little people was like....and with a husband who has crazy hours...ugh! The countdown is on, until hopefully this part of our life is over....and we move on to a new job. (fingers crossed ;) )
I understand...now...how important it is that I make myself a priority....I am not all that great at that...but I am just drained.
I love you too...and I am here for you as well...hopefully Spring thaw is right around the corner for both of us! :)
~Lucy
Lucy. ((((huge hug))))). Honestly, the birth of any new baby is a huge stress on a marriage, much less the fourth with a mother-in-law dying of cancer. So it's no surprises your marriage is completely stretched to its limits.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing a beautiful job managing it all.
I think the guilt for taking time to yourself is also hormonal. I know when my babies were 5 months old, I felt anxious every time I left them, and it wasn't because I didn't believe they were fine, it was more like my body warning me not to be gone for too long because if we were cave people, the baby would starve.
Are you taking B Vitamins for stress?
Can you appreciate and honor yourself for all the myriad things you are juggling?
Will you commit to arranging and taking that 2 hour block for yourself this week? You deserve it and you already know how much it would help. And then just chalk the guilt up to biology and try to enjoy yourself as best you can.
Hugs again. I'm sending you support!!
Hi Renee :)
DeleteI believe stretched to the limits is a good way to describe this mess. I am not sure how good I am doing at managing it all....I have never been that great of a juggler ;)
Oh the guilt, I have no idea why...but every mom I know suffers from "mom guilt" in one form or another. Ryan told me last night that he was bringing a pizza home....and that I was to leave the house...insert his evil eyebrow here! ha! I am going to do my best to enjoy it...I know I need it.
I am not taking any vitamins....I know, I know. I am however, heading to the doctor on Friday...so we will see what comes of that.
Thanks for the support...you have been so kind to me through all of this mess...and I appreciate it so much :)
Hugs....
~Lucy
I think you are suffering from post-partum depression and should run to the doctors. Help is available. Once you are settled, the problems will not be gone but you will be able to handle them.
ReplyDeleteHugs to all of you and run, do not walk, to get some help.
Hi Sunny~
DeleteI called the doctor yesterday...and they worked me in on Friday. I dealt with this after the birth of our third child...not really depression...I get anxious and edgy if that makes sense. Yuck.
You are right...once *I* feel better, I can tackle the rest of this a little easier. Thanks for your honesty :)
Hugs....
~Lucy
When did you start blogging again LOL? I won't repeat myself here....Wilma did a pretty good job of doing that anyway. ;)
ReplyDeleteLots of Love,
Betsy
Well you know, I figure you have to deal with my mess of a life on an almost daily basis...so you should get a break! Why have to hear it AND read it?? I was only thinking of you! ;)
DeleteLove ya....
~Lucy
I'm glad you shared with us. Sometimes just getting it all out there can help us process. It does sound like you need to have some time to yourself, no matter how hard it is to accept that time. Once you do it for a few weeks, I'm sure you'd find it easier to take that time you need to yourself, and find benefits from the break. {{{HUGS}}}
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing how good showers are for releasing tears in, isn't it? That few minutes to ourselves, water already on our faces, stuck in a small spot that feels safe, just seems to make it so easy to let all our emotions out, and cry out to God. I don't know the whys, but I do know He's listening when we cry out like that, our hearts exposed and raw. I don't know what He has planned, but like with your dad's passing, there is a reason. I'm sorry it's not evident right now, but there is so much good in your life, and so many blessings still to come.
I don't know if it would help, but I dealt with a severe case of post partum. Some days it really did help to just list the things I did have, even if it was through tears of not believing they were blessings compared to what I actually wanted. I don't know if that would help for you... but over time, I could actually say out loud the blessings I had, and believe it.
No matter what, I'm so thankful to have you here in our little corner of the world, and am so glad you shared with us how you feel.
Hi Es May :)
DeleteYou are so right...sometimes we just have to get it out...and hope that it makes some sort of sense. I had so much built up...yuck...that I needed to get it all out.
Showers are great places to cry...I agree. I don't really want the kids to see me like that...so I can go and do the "quiet" cry...and when I get out of the shower I do feel better...and they can't really tell. I will be SO glad when things get fixed.
Post partum stuff just stinks...I am sorry you had to deal with that. Mine never presents itself in depression...but more of an edgy anxious form...if that makes sense.
I am glad you are in our corner too...and that we can all share what we are feeling without being judged...it truly is a wonderful thing.
Hugs...
~Lucy
I agree with what everyone has already said. There is not one person who wouldn't have a hard time managing what you are doing. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't go to the doctors for some temporary help.
ReplyDeleteIf anyone else in your family was experiencing something out of the ordinary emotionally or physically you would move heaven and earth to help them. Help yourself...It is important.
Hi Minelle~
DeleteFor some odd reason....it takes me a few months to give in to myself...and to realize that I do need help. In my mind, I think I should be able to handle this all myself. Then I feel weak for giving in. It makes absolutely NO sense! I went through this after our third child was born....not a depression...but panic attack/anxiety stuff. It was terrible...and coincidentally he was around the same age as Gracie before I gave in. The sad thing is I know how much better I felt...and still...pride got in the way. I am heading to the doctor on Friday...and Ryan is kicking me out of the house to be alone tonight. It is going to be okay :)
And yes, I am much better at helping someone else, than myself...but most women I know are that way...I think it is just the way we are.
Thanks for your honesty...I appreciate it :)
~Lucy
Lucy dear...Everyone has already given you great advice but first and foremost...you are definitely exhibiting all the signs of postpartum depression so get to a doctor ASAP.
ReplyDeleteSending lots of prayers, healing energy and positive thoughts your way.
Hugs and Blessings,
Cat
Hi Cat~
DeleteThe message has been received ;) I am heading to the doctor on Friday...and like I said above, Ryan is sending me out of the house tonight for some alone time :D
Thanks for the prayers and positive thoughts!!
Hugs....
~Lucy
Aww Lucy, I am so sorry that you are going through such a tough time. I think that venting is such a healthy thing. Always feel free to do it. We all care and will listen! :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with all of these great suggestions as well, and also with the fact that you should consider seeing someone to help you through this very hormonal and stressful time. You really cannot help hormones coming on after childbirth or hard unforeseen circumstances that have come your way sadly, but you can do some things to help yourself get through this time until things get easier. A good social worker or psychologist will know how to help you decipher what you should and should not be worrying about and give you the tools that you need to get through this period. It does go away. I had some of this after the birth of our second child in the form of anxiety and I will tell you that once you realize what is happening and that it is not your fault, and get this help, you are half way to feeling better.
Taking care of four little ones IS exhausting!! I remember it well and there are some things that helped me, some of which I learned about after the second child. The key is to, as everyone says, get that time in for yourself (I think Willie suggested taking the baby out and getting out of the house. That's a good one if you'd worry about leaving her and/or you are nursing). One of the most helpful things that I did was to secure a sitter for just a couple of days a week from 2p-6p. I found an inexpensive high school girl who had her own car and could get there herself. She was wonderful and responsible and sometimes I went out with the baby and other times I just stayed and did my own thing. She fed and bathed my other kids and the break was wonderful. My kids loved it too. That timing gave me a break during the witching hour twice a week and I looked forward to it because Rob was never home in those days until after 6pm. He was greeted those days by a happier wife, who still had four kids happily climbing all over her, but had gotten out and done something for herself.
Feel better and take care, Lucy! :). While we are here for you at any time, you will be amazed at how much better you will feel if you find someone who specializes in post partum, who can help you through this hormonal storm, as well as support you during this time with your mother-in-law. Big hugs to you,
<3 Katie
Hi Katie :)
DeleteIt has been a bit of a rough road...perhaps made more so...because I just do not do well admitting weakness <~~~~~~ Terrible! ;)
I keep telling myself it is all going to turn around soon. The doctor will probably prescribe something to help....Ryan will be done with school soon...and then our schedule won't be so crazy. The three boys start school again soon...and while I hate to see summer end...I know that it will get our house in a rhythm again...and give me some peace.
It is going to get better, it HAS to! ;) Thanks for all the advice...I am listening this time...I promise!
Hugs....
~Lucy
Hey Lucy :)
ReplyDeleteThere is so much I would like to say to you, but I won't take over your post. All I will do and I say is, you know I understand, all of it.
Wanting time, but not accepting it, wanting sleep and feeling guilty about it. The juice on the table, cereal on the floor, banana squished in the sofa and the baby screaming for god know what now all at the same time.
You're not alone honey, there are a few of us round Blogland who have the four plus kids an struggle day to day. But you know the difference and I'm sure I said this the last time you were this down, PND honey, it's not a shameful thing. It's a hormonal imbalance. Again I say this, because I know and have been there.
You've got so much on your plate, but until you feel better, you can't move forward. Please go see a doc x
You know if you ever need to chat on a stressed and neurotic mother level, here I am, ill talk poop, mushed up food, I play referee on a daily basis and basically will make you understand and feel you're not alone. Email me honey anytime :)
Hugs x
Hi Missy :)
DeleteYep, you were the one on my last post imploring me to go see the doctor. I read and thought...oh, not ME...I am not that bad. ha! Even though, I have been down this road before after our third...I didn't want to give in and go :( How silly is that?! I am not good at accepting help....never have been. You were right, and I could have saved myself a lot of grief if I would have just went. I am heading in on Friday...and getting out of the house alone tonight....this is like a national holiday or something ;)
I will look you up on chat...it is a crazy little life we lead, isn't it? I wouldn't trade it....but some days I wonder when my maid is going to show up....still waiting.... ;)
Hugs...
~Lucy
Awe Lucy,
ReplyDeleteYou are dealing with so much and that has got to be hard for anybody. You do desperately need some time to yourself and I hope you are able to find a way to accept the offers of help from Ryan.
Everyone else has given such wonderful advice already and I join then in urging you to please see your doc.
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers.
(((Hugs)))
Roz
Hi Roz...
DeleteI hope the earthquakes have stopped where you are....I am thinking of you <3
Ryan is over me not accepting his help. He told me I was leaving the house tonight...and then just looked at me....I think waiting to see if I was going to put up a fight. I have no idea what I am doing...but I am looking forward to it :D
I see the doctor on Friday...so that should be the start of the end of this...if that makes sense.
Hugs my friend....
~Lucy
Lucy, I'm glad to read that you are ready to see a doctor about the hormonal side of all of this. It won't fix everything but once you feel more like yourself again, I bet you will find you have the strength to start sorting through the rest. I struggled with postpartum depression after my third child and I watched one of my daughters stuggle with it after one of her children. Getting the medical help can make a huge difference.
ReplyDeleteAnd listen to Willie! Taking care of yourself is so important! I think it might be important for both of you, too. Sometimes I think, we as moms, get so wrapped up in how we do things, how we run the house and the schedules we forget that we can let go and let dad be a dad. Maybe letting him take charge of that for a few hours each week will help him feel like taking the reigns again. I'm hoping things start feeling better soon! C
Hi Clara :)
DeleteI am beyond ready to go see the doctor....I am heading in Friday. You are right...once I feel better....I can tackle all of the other things a little bit easier. It won't solve everything...but I can at least cope with how crazy our life is right now.
Listen to Wilma?! Oh dear.... hahahah! Yes, I know...I will...I am getting out of here tonight. Perhaps it is something I am just going to have to get used to. Ryan and I both need to recharge our batteries...so I am praying that once I am coping better....I can help him more too.
It will get better C, thanks!!
~Lucy
((hugs)) Lucy! I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that somewhere along the way, things got complicated. There are so many things that we can't control and I totally get that feeling of desperately wanting that thing, that zing, between the two of you to be simple and easy and solid and reliable so you can take on everything else in the world. But it sounds like, before you can get back on the road with Ryan, you need to give yourself permission to secure some of that zing for yourself once again. I so get the mommy-guilt thing too...but just remember, when you feel happy, refreshed, like yourself, it affects the tone within your home...helps to create that fun-loving, peaceful home environment that you are after. They really can survive for a few hours on their own...yes, it might look like a tornado swept through the playroom while you were gone...but if you are feeling good and they are smiling, who cares?
ReplyDeleteHi Tess :)
DeleteYES! I hate complicated! I want this to just be our life...and all this other junk is getting in the way...yuck. You are right, I need to feel better...in order for all of the complicated mumbo jumbo to leave. I am heading to the doctor this week...AND I am getting out of the house tonight. My mood does affect our home...and I want that to be a positive thing again.
It is going to get better...thanks Tess :D
~Lucy
I can't say anything better than everyone else already said. But like Sunny, I would urge you to "run" to the doctor's because a few pills will sort this out before it escalates. You are exhibiting classic signs of post partum depression.
ReplyDeleteThe idea of getting a sitter for just a few hours a couple of times a week is a good one. We used several high school girls when our kids were small. It gave us some "us" time. As much as we love our children, we all need time away from them to refuel our energy and to be with each other!
I do hope things start to improve for you honey!
Many hugs
Ami
Hi Ami~
DeleteI got my running shoes on...heading in on Friday ;)
Ryan and I are talking about different things we can do to get some time for us...and also time for just me. It is all so hard to do with everyone thing else going on...but I think after all of this...we also see how detrimental not doing it can be.
It is going to get better....it has too! Thanks Ami :)
Hugs...
~Lucy
It felt like you were telling my story. I had four kids under the age of seven, with number four just being a new baby. The guilt, the confusion, the feeling of helplessness, the want of time with your husband but I always felt overstimulated and didn't want him to touch me. Between nursing and cuddling and giving hugs all day, I just didn't know what I wanted. I was overwhelmed. I wanted to run away sometimes and other times I could barely have time to breathe. And for the very first time, yes with number four, I was going through post partum depression. No way would I admit that. I felt like if I said that out loud maybe Ty would just have reached that point where he had had enough. Instead he went through with our plan (before #4) to renew our wedding vows for our tenth anniversary. He took care of everything. We finally had a girl from our church who wanted to be a babysitter come in a couple of hours a day and watch the kids while I took a shower and just had some peace. I was there if needed but I had some quiet time. When the baby was eight months old, my husband contacted my doctor and told him what was going on with me and my moods. I finally accepted that I need some help mentally. I was given some anti depressants that were okay to take while nursing. Those little pills really made a difference. And believe it or not, we actually had baby number five. So much of these early years have been a blur. Money problems and all the other problems were just more chinks in the armor of marriage.
ReplyDeleteWe have just celebrated our 23rd wedding anniversary. Like you, divorce was not an option (but I did warn him a couple of times to sleep with one eye open cause I had had enough). My children range in ages between 11-19. And a couple of years ago, we had the opportunity to be with each other, alone and we fell back in love with each other. The last 13 years have been really rough on our marriage. But now I am glad that we stuck to it.
I hope that you can find some help, like a mother's helper to give you a break a couple of days a week. Swallow your guilt, and go out of a date with your husband. So many people in our church offered to watch the kids and we never allowed them to help. I hope you do accept help.
My last piece of advice - paper plates. You won't believe how helpful paper plates can be. No dishes, just throw them away. We also used paper cups for a long while.
I will keep you in my prayers and if I lived by you, I would come over and fold laundry and make you a cup of tea.
Hi Blondie :)
ReplyDeleteIt does sound like the same story. I completely know what you mean....the wanting to run away, and then at times not being able to breathe. I learned after the third ones those are called panic attacks ;) This is the stuff no one tells you about when you become a mom. You learn the ins and outs of how to take care of your baby...but after the birth the mom is kind of forgotten...and we just dive in taking care of the new little one. I hope and pray when all of my children get married and have a baby....I will kindly educate my sons....and look to my daughter and share with her my stories.
I have been the same way about a babysitter....and I have no idea why. I could make a million excuses...but the truth is we do need time alone. I am working on this whole guilt thing :) I love your idea about paper plates...at the very least I could do that for the boys' toast in the morning...and their lunch :D Oh, and your offer if you lived close enough made me tear up. That is so incredibly kind...and I thank you :
Thanks for sharing your story with me...it does help knowing that you lived through it....and by the sound of things...came out of it better.
~Lucy