When love is all that is left

Almost a year ago, I wrote a blog about all of the good things I expected to happen in 2013.  I remember believing with all of my heart...that the coming year was bursting with goodness....and Ryan and I were right on the verge of some amazing things.  Part of that came true....part not so much.  This year held so much promise for me....but I have been reminded time and time again....I am not....nor have I ever been in control of this crazy thing I call my life.

The year started with Ryan's mom being diagnosed with a disease that we knew eventually would claim her life.  If I were to list the top ten ways I *thought* one of his parents might go...this disease would not have made the list.  To say we were bowled over....would be an understatement.  Almost exactly one month after her diagnosis....I gave birth to our fourth child....our first girl....and only her second granddaughter.  In the midst of all of this...Ryan was doing his best to finish his degree....and I began a many months battle with postpartum depression.  By the end of March....I was sure our very life was in shambles...and the darkness set in.

Life sometimes hands you some crazy twists and turns.  I guess this year for us...was just one of those times.  We learned a lot about who we were...and what was important to us.  Eventually, with a little nudging from a lot of wonderful people I found my way to the doctor...and dug my way out the dark.  I was fixable.  My mother in law was not.  All the while mothering this new life....and the three we were already blessed with....I watched my husband lose the woman who gave him life.  I saw a lot of sides of him that I never knew were there.  I watched him sit at her bedside and stroke her bald head....and plead with her to fight.  At the end, I watched him hold her hand....and openly cry...for the life lost.  The tears that fall so freely...when your mother....the one responsible for the breath in your body is taken.  And so....we grieved.

We learned a lot he and I.  We learned that the life we have together is so precious.  Eventually...we know....one day one of us will be six feet under in a casket....and the other will stand alone.  That is just fact.  And while it would be so easy...to build those walls....and protect your heart....we can so clearly see now all that we would miss.  48 years.  His parents loved each other for that long.  At the end...his dad stood alone...and wept for this woman who gave him so much.  As her body was carried out...he followed along behind....with all eight grandchildren holding hands....just the way she would have wanted it.  Yes, she was gone...but it was so clear how much love was left.

So yes, I look back at this year....and I can see...it is very apparent how much pain 2013 held. But....framed in just the right way...it is so clear how much love this year was bursting with.  I held my first daughter in my arms....and my heart nearly exploded with the love of holding her for the first time.  I watched my husband lovingly care for his mom....in her final months of life.  I taught my boys what Heaven really was....and I burst with pride when upon seeing their Mamaw lying in her casket...my youngest declared, "Mommy, I am just sure she has glittery wings now."  I witnessed my husband hug his dad....and openly cry for the first time...the two of them together....my boys saw this too....and I am certain that this will remain with them forever....and the lesson that taught them was invaluable.  For the first time I looked at my father in law and told him how much I loved him.  Yes....love was certainly left.

For Ryan and I....we weathered one of the most trying battles of our married life.  School, babies, death and depression....it was quite a ride.  If I look over my shoulder....the dark clouds are still there.  We are about to celebrate our first holiday without his mom....and Christmas is just around the corner.  I told him the other day....I will miss her tacky Christmas sweaters...and funky wooden jewelry! ;)  But I believe....as I always have...that heaven is not as far away as we all think that it is....I know that she is here.....and I believe she sees us.  I know she would be proud of her son...the man that he is.  Ryan and I will be okay.  At the risk of sounding more hokey than I already do...I also believe that we found this way of life at the exact moment we needed it.

Life....well, it isn't always beautiful.  You can't always tie it up with a pretty red ribbon and make things just go away.  I won't pretend to know the whys or hows.  But what I do know....Ryan and I have learned in the last couple of years how important it is to just love each other.  It really is that simple.  God willing one of us....many years from now....will stand with our children and grandchildren....and will mourn the loss of the other.  Yes there will be sadness....but there will also be proof that when all else is gone....and you have nothing else to give.....the love will always be there.  That is my prayer.