Most of you are aware that I had our sweet baby girl almost 8 weeks ago. It probably comes to no surprise then, that my body is not back where it used to be. I can imagine someone reading this....shaking their head....and wondering what I expect 8 weeks out. A Lot.....I expect a lot of myself....and my body, and let me tell you....my body is not living up to my expectations.
When I first became pregnant.....I will just say it....I felt sexy.....I mean really sexy! I
I could blame a lot of things, but I won't. The baby sleeps really well, my hormonal surges are mostly gone, and I feel good. The problem is 8 weeks later I am out of practice. I fell off the sex wagon so to speak. I hate my body.....and I have taken ownership of it back. It started the day we brought her home. I didn't realize what I was doing at the time, but it is very clear to me now. I began to sleep in full pajamas....covered from head to toe....and then an extra blanket pressed up against my stomach....so he could not feel how horrible my body had become :(
In the beginning, the extra clothes....kinda were a necessity. I was having lovely night sweats and was cold. And then there was the getting up to go get the baby....I needed to be covered. But now, I have no good reason.....and still I do it. I know this sounds odd.....but I used all of those layers of clothing to keep him away from me....to symbolize that my body was MY body.....and he could no longer touch it without invitation.....and believe me....I have been doing no inviting. It is as if I have drawn a line....yes you can hold me...yes you can kiss and hug me.....but don't even think about touching anything down there.
Last night he let me know he was fed up....and really....who can blame him? I sobbed in his lap and told him I was ugly.....and I did not want him to see my body. The man has not seen me naked since the birth of our daughter. He got angry...very angry.....some of what I heard was...."You are my wife.....I would never say those things about you....and I would kill anyone for saying that about you. YOU are not allowed to say those things about my wife." and "I think you have forgotten that your body belongs to me....you are trying to control this again...and I won't have it....I am taking you back." and "I have been a patient man, but this ends now."
Only it didn't.....it didn't end. I cried puddles in his lap.....and who wants to make love to a sobbing wife? He took pity on me...and we went to sleep. And I sit here today and know that I have yet again failed as his wife. He has waited and been patient....and nothing. I don't know how to make this better....well....I know what I should do.....but I don't know if I can....it is my body after all......
Awe Lucy,
ReplyDeleteI can't comment with any real knowledge but it seems to me that 8 weeks really isn't that long. It takes some time for the body to readjust after pregnancy and you are focussed on being in Mommy mode right now, taking care of Gracie.
The way you are feeling is entirely normal .. but you certainly are not ugly and Ryan has shown that he loves you and your body.
Please be gentle with yourself. I think it may be just a matter of time.
Love and huge (((Hugs)))
Roz
Hi Roz :)
DeleteI am so not good at being patient or gentle with myself. I can preach it to others pretty well though ;)
If I am being realistic, I know that I need to give myself time....but then I go to the mall and see that they have the audacity to start displaying swimsuits...ack! That is enough to send me into full Lucy meltdown mode....not good.
He and I are working through all of this.....we will get there :) Thanks for being so encouraging.....I needed it!
Love and Hugs.....
~Lucy
Well, when you put it like that....
ReplyDeleteI've been in the feeling sorry for Ryan camp, but now I'm hoping you get some real advise. ;)
Hey there :)
DeleteYou can stay in the feeling sorry for Ryan camp.....I promise not to hold it against you for longer than the rest of your life ;) Ha!
No, I need to hear what you say....even when I don't really want to listen. You sell yourself way too short, you do give me good advice when I am willing to take it!
So, we are working on this....he and I. We will get through it.....and yes, I may have to have a few drinks to get there!
Love ya :)
Lucy, I think every woman goes through that. Remember, your body is not why he loves you. Take a deep breath and drop the robe. I told my husband felt battle scarred and embarrassed and hated it.
ReplyDeleteHe reminded me of what we had 'won' and that he rather liked the bigger everything.
It took you nine months to get there. Go for a walk with him and the baby, get moving a bit. It will come. :)
Hi Rogue....
DeleteYou are so right, or I suppose Jared was when he talked about the prize you all had won :) Grace has been worth all of this and then some.
I am not used to having to fight to get my body back. I suppose that is the difference between having babies in your 20s and then in your 30s....things just don't come back nearly as easily!
I will try to remember that he does love me for *me* not the outside wrapping :) Thanks :))
Awww Lucy,
ReplyDeleteI'm too new at DD to be of much help in that department. I can, however, relate to a bunch of what you say you are feeling. I think that for the most part, the better we think we look, the sexier we tend to feel. At least in my experience. You really JUST had a baby. I mean- maternity leaves are a full 12 weeks for the most part. You've only done 2/3 of that kind of time. You have three other little ones who need your attention and the baby who needs it more. I remember with the nursing and feeling like the boobs kind of belonged more to the babies than Rob. My boobs- I was last on the list to claim them! LOL! I think your feelings are completely normal.
My best advice is perhaps be patient about your body- it will be back. Remember that your husband loves you for you- just as you are. You are far from a failure- you've given him a beautiful new daughter. He expects you to have some battle scars!:). If you can think that way, it is half the battle. :). Hugs to you, Lucy!
<3 Katie
Hey Katie :)
DeleteNew or old at ttwd.....I need all of the help I can get :) I am trying to be patient, it is just not one of my strengths....not with myself anyway. I am trying so hard to believe what he is telling me....and to just let him love me as I am.....this has just been so hard.
Thanks for the encouraging words....I needed them :)
Hugs....
Lucy
After the birth of our third daughter I went through a period of time whereI couldn't stand being touched. Loking back (my "baby" is 26) I really think it was a form of post partum depression. With three young children and a part-time job in health care, I literaaly felt like someone physically needed me 24 hours a day. My husband ended up being the one that I "used" to take back the possession of my body. I couldn't stand to have him touch me for a very ling period of time. It was a horrible confusing time. I needed him but couldn't stop pushing him away. We didn't know about or practice dd at the time.
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping for you that voicing your feelings and because you live in this lifestyle, you will be able to find a way to submit to Ryan's needs and that he will be gentle and respectful of how your body is reacting emotionally and physically. From what I've read on your blog, you two have developed amazing communication. If you stay honest with him about how you're feeling he'll be able to help you manuver through this difficult time.
And Lucy, you said it yourself. Gracie is only 8 weeks old. Give yourself time to get your body back. Ryan loves it know matter what. A few months ago my husband and I were at a function and someone said "Is your husband that white haired man?" I couldn't figure out who she was talking about at first. Then I looked at the person she was pointing at and I had to laugh. Yep, that's him. He's no longer the thin, trim redhead I fell in love with but in my mind I will always see that man. The lenses I wear when I look at him allow me to see past any physical quality and to see his true person. Let Ryan see you. Not just the physical you. He's seen you before children, pregnant, sick, mad, happy. He's seen you young, aging and he'll se you old and wrinkled. He's going to love all of that, and I'll bet he sees you through his own lenses.
Wishing you both the best,
Clara Baker
Hi Clara :)
DeleteI loved what you said about how we see our partner through our own lenses. Of course, you are right.....I love him for him....no matter what changes he may go through. For some reason, I just have the hardest time believing that he could feel the same way. I have very unrealistic ideas of how I should look right now....and I am trying very hard to let go of them.....sigh.....
Ryan has been very patient, but I think it just came to a point that he saw....in his words....that I was moping around and beating myself up over all of this....and he felt he needed to step in before it got any worse. I am truly my worst critic.
No matter what....I would do this all over again. Gracie is such a blessing. Thanks so much for stopping by and leaving me such a thoughtful comment.....I needed all the support I could get :)
Lucy
As a 2-time mommy, I can tell you that it takes about 6 months to feel normal again. Cut yourself some slack. In 4 more months you will feel great and you will have a routine again. It'll be ok. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteHi lil :)
DeleteMy brain knows that it takes time, but man my heart or something kicks in and I have zero tolerance for my body not just bouncing back...uh, yesterday! ;)
You are right....it will be okay! I am going to keep saying that until I believe it.....
Hugs....
Lucy
Oh sweetie, I think any woman that's had a baby has felt the same way. Your body has went through a lot of changes and while your hormones are starting to settle down, they're probably still not completely back to normal yet.
ReplyDeleteI can remember avoiding the mirror for months after having my daughter because I hated seeing the extra weight and the scar from my emergency C-section. When we had sex, it was in the dark so he couldn't see anything jiggling. Steve never gave up on me, just kept reminding me that he thought I was beautiful and sexy.
Give yourself some time. Lean on Ryan. Accept that he didn't run away screaming at the sight of you 9 months pregnant and he's not going to now just because you're carrying a few extra pounds. Take care of yourself. Focus on eating healthy and getting a little exercise and before you know it, you'll be back to your old self.
Hugs,
Dana
Hi Dana :)
DeleteThanks for understanding....sometimes that is all we need isn't it? Someone to just "get it"....
I am trying so hard to be patient....it is so not a strength of mine. My husband has been nothing but supportive and loving.....and I am slooowly trying to be for him what I was before Gracie's arrival.
Hugs....
~Lucy
Hey Lucy
ReplyDeleteOk I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. Everytime I've had a baby I felt great and sexy when pregnant and then ugly and fat afterwards. You know what, be honest with yourself, you miss the baby belly all round and fertile and sexy. The happy hormones are gone and the floppy belly is all that's left behind, true??? Yes I know.
It takes some time, to get over this. Baby blues will come if you let it, been there done that. My solution, if you want to know, is make yourself sexy again. Harder done than said I know.
Every time I felt like this after having my babies, my man would send me out on a make over, sorry vein but it helps. Get a whole new look, get your hair done, completely different to what it is now ( and it needs it as the hormones will make it weak and lifeless) get your nails done, have a wax, everywhere, lol painful, shave if you can't lol, get a pedicure, buy some nice clothes, make a date night.
It's all so superficial but believe me it's a step, you will feel better. You can then build from there. You need to find you again amongst all this motherhood and get past this stage. Don't let it drag you down as it's hard to come back up, I did this with my second and it took months for me to take that step.
Your guy thinks your wonderful and sexy and a great wife and mother. This is not about him, it's about you feeling like you again.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I k ow how bad it can feel. But get up, dust yourself down and do something fun, sexy and just youthful and outrageous ;)
I hope you feel better soon x
You are so right Missy....I loved the round baby belly....what gets left behind should be against the law...seriously! ;)
DeleteI have found since having this beautiful little girlie creature, that I myself feel more girlie....and so I am trying to dress accordingly. I have a new love for springy...flowie dresses....so I have been wearing those....and that does help. I feel more feminine....and let's face it....dresses can hide a multitude of sins! ;)
I am going to do my best to take your advice....thanks for the support and understanding how I feel :)
~Lucy
8 weeks is so little in the whole grand scheme of things. For one reason or another, my husband and I were not able to have sex for four months after we gave birth to a son that only lived two hours. I won't lie, there were times it was difficult, but we also learned other great ways to show each other we loved each other. I also wonder if there is some Post Partum Depression trying to linger. Even if you aren't having hormonal surges, you could still be battling depression, especially if you've been having a harder time getting out into the sun. And you haven't failed as a wife. {{{{{HUGS}}}}} You are so wonderful, we see that in what you write, how you write, and of course your husband wants a part of that. :) If you really want to give yourself to your husband for his sake, but are fearful of him seeing your body, why not try with the lights out for a week or two? I know that when I am insecure about my body, if I can just let my husband enjoy my body, he is usually the one that can get me feeling good about it again. :) I mean, a man finding you sexy, it's really hard to not start to see it a bit too when they are so excited over it. :) I don't know if any of that helps, I just hope I didn't make it worse. {{{HUGS}}}
ReplyDeleteHi Es May :)
DeleteI cannot imagine how hard that had to be for you to endure. I feel pretty silly complaining after reading that. I am blessed to have this little creature, and I *try* to remind myself that she was worth all of this and then some.
We are trying to get back to normal with that part of our life. For sure, NO lights! ha! Ryan has been so good about being supportive and making sure that I know that he thinks I am beautiful :)
Thanks for coming by....and being so darn supportive of my whining here....I appreciate it so much :)
Hugs.....
~Lucy
Oh Lucy...I wish I could give you a big hug! I think it takes a while to get back into the swing of things. I always felt like my body belonged to my babies while I was breast feeding, and I remember Jake being both in awe of my ability to nourish our young...and desperate to have "his" boobs back again lol.
ReplyDeleteYour husband's passionate reaction was great - maybe just try to trust in that and see yourself through his eyes instead of your post-pregnancy, hormone-affected eyes for the time being:) You WILL get back to that sex-siren feeling once again, but it doesn't happen over night, so don't be too hard on yourself in the meantime. You have not failed as a wife...by letting him know how you've been feeling you've taken the first step toward getting back to where you want to be.
You grew and brought a new life into this world that represents all the love that you and Ryan share. I'll bet the fact that your body did all that is beyond beautiful to him:)
Hi Tess :)
DeleteI really needed the hug the day I wrote this....I was doooown in the dumps about my body :(
Ryan's reaction was just what I needed to hear....the way that he said....the way that he looked when he said it.....I needed all of it. I guess before his impassioned speech I felt like he was saying I looked good because he had too! Yikes!
I think all of our men must be in awe of what happens to their women as they begin to grow a new life. I mean, when you step back and think about it.....it is pretty darn miraculous! Women are their own worst critics....and yes, we need to be more kind to ourselves....
Thanks for stopping by Tess....this was a hard one to get out....
~Lucy
Stop. Stop and listen. HEAR Ryan. Hear what he is saying. If you don't want to believe him, read what Rogue wrote. Ryan loves LUCY. By touching your body, he touches your heart. He expresses this love for you. That is why they call it making love. You reconnect. You'll feel his love, and let that be more powerful than your mirror that you are holding up to yourself.
ReplyDeleteIs it easy? Heck no. I've been pregnant 3 times myself. I hated the skin that lingered after the baby. But guess what? I didn't get pregnant on my own. That MOUNTAIN next to you, he's the guy that helped alter your body.
He is absolutely right, no one should talk trash about HIS WIFE. That doesn't help. Trust your husband. Let him awaken your inner sex goddess again! She is a lot of fun! Let him make you squirm for another reason than spanking. Let him use his hands to explore and bring you pleasure- not just for spanking.
BUT I do have a message for Mount. Ryan, don't dismiss her disappointment either. Her words of pain are real. That by no means, means she gets to tell you how to feel though..wink...I think you should spank her for that( but maybe a good girl spanking THIS time).
Some things take time. Other things you have to just take a deep breath and jump. Choose to jump !
love you, willie
Well first I have to tell you Ryan was smiling like a goon when he read the last part of your lovely comment here. He said, "See? Wilma thinks you need spanked." Dear Lord, I had to point out the good girl part....you COULD have bolded that part my friend....sheesh!
DeleteAnd yes, making love is just that.....it is not about all that other stuff.....he was truly just missing ME....all of me....even the imperfections.
I am not sure I have an "inner sex goddess" but if I find her I will be sure to let you know! hahhaah!
I jumped....just so you know...it was scary....and I may or may not have had the blankets over my head at first....but I made it :)
Thanks for coming by my place here...this was so hard to write about...
Love ya back....
~Lucy
First of all, I don't want to hear about your inner sex goddess, I know TOO much about you already! and on THAT note, " Thanks for coming by ? " What am I a vacuum salesmen? *I my friend know where the bodies are buried remember? Sheeesh !!
DeleteYou so do not get my humoUr....sheesh! I see you skimmed right over the part about not BOLDING the good girl part next time...typical Wilma ;)
DeleteI promise to keep the sex goddess stuff (or lack there of) to myself.....
AND....yes, thanks for stopping by....I mean we all know you have a million other "places" to visit....and you fit me in your busy schedule! hahahah!
LOL says the girl who no longer comments on my blog posts. People are going to think we are no longer friends!
DeleteAs for the Bolding part...I happen to know for a fact Mount Ryan doesn't like bold girls. That is why he loves me so. That and our joint love of movies. Note how I said movies not ridiculous t.v. shows or crummy football teams!
I *do* comment....but then again, you are always the one telling me I am not wise! ;) Make up your mind you crazy woman!
DeleteI am so telling him....and perhaps another bloggy husband....that you said his team is crummy....that ought to win you some brownie points....or not ;)
Pffft I'm not concerned about Ryan...he knows how I feel aready about his team. Besides I know his weakness...and only a Canadian or well and Amazon can send it to him! As for Brice....he doesn't scare me!
DeleteBrice said...... NFL vs canadian football league Bwahahaha!!!!!!!
DeleteEven though I struggle with my own self image at times, reverse this and think how you would view Ryan if he changed in his physical appearance. Would it change your desire and or love for him? I am sure you would answer "of course not!"
ReplyDeleteWhat if he felt like he wasn't desirable to you and you needed to convince him that was ridiculous. You would never let him feel that way.
Allow him to help you feel desire again.
I totally get what you are saying Minelle. I will love Ryan as he is or not until the day I die. Nothing in the world can change that. Just somehow....it is hard for me to believe that he feels the same way....and he may possibly kill me when he reads that (eeek!).
DeleteHe is doing his best to make sure that I feel beautiful....he tells me everyday of my life....and now I just need to believe it :)
Thanks for coming by....I am having such a hard time with this...
~Lucy
A man in love doesn't see things the way we do, or the way Playboy and Hollywood thinks he should either.
ReplyDeleteI remember once standing in our bedroom combing my hair. I had chased kids all day and I was a wreck. I was wearing my favorite ratty old flannel nightie with a hole in it (no Victorias Secret) and I had the sniffles. Wes watched me from where he was propped up in bed and said, "You are so beautiful". To which I immediately replied, "You are so blind."
No makeup, four kids, cold coming on. Seriously?
I thought he was crazy because I wasn't what I thought beautiful should be. Fortunately, he disagreed. Next thing you know there was another baby :)
Bea
Hey Bea :)
DeleteI love that Wes said that....so darn romantic! They love us as we are....and we are so hard on ourselves as women....I wonder why that is?? Another baby, huh? Sounds just about the same way our little Gracie made her way into the world!
~Lucy
Ryan sees what's inside Lucy - and that's the important thing. You only gave birth eight weeks ago - you're doing really well! Starman used to love how big my boobs got when I was feeding - so what if a bit of milk got in the way! You are at your most beautiful and I am sure Ryan sees this. He must be so proud of you and your little treasure! He loves you. Go to him!
ReplyDeleteHugs
Ami
Hi Ami :)
DeleteYou are right, he does see me for who I am ....not for the extra pounds I am currently carrying around. I think I am finding that there is a HUGE difference between giving birth in your 20s and in your 30s....Gracie has definitely been harder to shed than the boys! ;)
He is so proud of our little girl, and of me....I am doing my best Ami....doing my best :))
Thanks for your words of wisdom!
Hugs....
~Lucy
Oh Sweetheart :)
ReplyDeleteIan and I read this and then talked about it. He said he knows exactly how Ryan feels. Ian claims that they really don't understand why we get so upset about what to them is completely natural and beautiful.
I remember feeling like a ripe fruit, leaking breasts and bulges where I didn't want them or know how to dress them. I remember also coming to the realization that I was feeling and looking completely feminine, and I realized that Ian wanted nothing more than to make love to me again - just as I was.
Ryan is probably bursting with pride at having a new baby and a wife who is feminine and curvy.
Find the strength to submissively peel off those clothes and invite him to love you - you will be glad you did, Honey.
When you feel like this - vent here, its safe and we understand...it doesn't sound like that man of yours wants ANYbody talking that way about his beautiful bride.
hugs and much love
lillie
Hi Lillie :)
DeleteWell first I nearly died when you talked about Ian reading this....I have no idea why....I am a weirdo! But, Ryan was soooo glad that someone understood what he has been trying to say, so I guess that is a good thing :) Ryan has never understood what I fuss about with my body...sigh...
Yes, from now on, any venting about my body will be to you all...dear Lord he was not a happy camper with me :(
I am doing my best to be what he needs me to be. I am *trying* to believe the words that he is saying. He has never once said anything disparaging about my body in all of the years I have known him. He tells me I am beautiful...and if he feels that way, I just need to accept that and go on.
Thanks so much....this was so hard to write....
Hugs and love :))
~Lucy
Sorry I am so late Lucy and I hope this was resolved over the weekend:) It sounds like Ryan truly loves you....he doesn't expect that things will all be back the way they should and I have been told that they truly don't notice. He just wants to show his love to you. Give yourself a little time...you'll get your groove back:) until then listen to Ryan and believe him.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Bea
Hey Bea :))
DeleteI wonder how it is they don't notice....or maybe they just honestly don't care. We women can certainly be hard on ourselves.....I am trying to be patient...definitely not a strength of mine ;)
Hugs....
~Lucy
Sweetie, what you are feeling is normal. Firstly, 8 weeks is being very demanding of your body. You will get there, please be patient with yourself. Secondly, understand that having a baby is a HUGE hormone cocktail. And that will take a while to equalize.
ReplyDeleteI'd also like to echo what Clara said. I had PPD with both boys, it was worse with the younger. It can make you think and feel crazy irrational things. I would urge you to speak with your OBGYN, and ask about some help until your body is evens out.
(((hugs))) and you can email if you need to talk.
Hey June :)
DeleteWell I am pretty demanding of my body....and it is NOT listening to me! ha! Ah, well...yes, I believe I got a double hormonal cocktail or something...I have been a joy to live with!
I am just one of those people that thinks I can do and take on way more than I actually can...and when my body fails me, it does not go over well.....
Hugs back to you...and thanks :))
~Lucy
I'll just echo what so many others have said. Give yourself some slack. Getting your body back takes time bur it will come. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteHi Zoe :)
DeleteI am trying to give myself a break...really and truly!
Hugs :)
~Lucy
Hi Lucy, I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. I'm happy that you have a sweet man to help you through it. :-) (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteHi :))
DeleteHe is a pretty sweet guy...thanks!
Hugs....
~Lucy