On the road....off the road...on the road....ugh!

Off Roading:  Lucy's term for times when ttwd is in shambles...not working.....in other words a big hot mess ! Off roading is a visual of just that....crashing and bumping all over the place....not knowing what you are doing or where you are going.



This is the post I should have written right after my mushy one year blog post in March.  That is just about the time things got really messy around here.  We have been on the road and off the road so many times....I may have gotten a little carsick!

I am not even sure where to begin.  It has all been so messy...and to be honest it is hard to put it all into words.  Part of it may be hormonal, part of it is that we were overwhelmed with life....whatever it was....it was exhausting! My feelings were getting hurt over small things....and I would snap....and any hint of submission would fly at warp speed out the window....and Ryan would be left dazed and confused!

I got upset over a lot of things.  I cannot even begin to list everything that irked me....it was truly that bad.  Ryan would do something innocent or unknowing and I would lose it.  In the past few weeks I have said some pretty bad things to my husband....I may have tossed the F bomb around a few times....I may have slammed some doors....and I may have even refused to have any part of ttwd.  Was it that bad?  If I am being honest....it was worse.  We both felt like it was hopeless.  I was so messed up....that Ryan had no idea what he was even supposed to do with me.

Everyday life around here was hard.  I would be fine one minute....and ready to take his head off the next.  We would talk....try to fix things....only to go off roading again in the next day or so.  It was a horrible, tiring pattern.  I knew in my head what I needed to do, but I honestly did not care.  I was so tired and worn down....and I felt so alone.  I felt like my body was betraying me....my mood swings were just unreal...gah!  Bad, bad, bad.  I apologize to anyone who had to hear me drivel on during that time....and I am probably in need of new chat buddies....I think I may have worn a few people out! ;)

There wasn't or hasn't been an easy fix.  We did a lot of things.  We talked, we read blogs, we changed a few diet issues, we made going to the gym a priority again...and oh yes, he spanked my behind so many times I lost count! ha!  What it has come down to is this:  I have to want to do this. In the good times...the bad times....the mood swinginess times.....I HAVE TO WANT THIS.  And I didn't.  It became a waiting game....he knew that he couldn't force my submission anymore than I could force his dominance in the beginning.  He had to wait me out just as I had to do for him in the early months.  We went a week or so without ttwd.  I was miserable....but would not admit it to him or myself. Him? Oh man...he was not fairing well either....

My poor HoHy husband was without his "good wife".....and he looked a bit like this poor fellow above.  He was cagey...antsy.....LOST without this way of life. He let me know that he would wait for me to be ready again.....but to make no mistake about it, we could not put the genie back in the bottle.  Whatever hormonal delusions I had in my head about going back....doing without ttwd....were a mistake....and one he was not willing to make with me.  He would wait......for me to make my way back to him.  

And this time, that is what it was....a big fat waiting game.  I did make up my mind that I was miserable....that I needed him....and that I wanted him to protect me from myself and whatever else may come my way.  That was a huge revelation for me....and one I will talk about next time.....this is wayyyy too long as it is!  But, we are okay....and that is the important part.  We worked through this mess, and came out of it a little stronger....and hopefully wiser ;)