The need to be protected.......

So, when I last left you all....I was saying that in the midst of all the chaos that is our life......I was feeling the need to be protected.  Ugh...to even admit that to myself was monumental....but to type it out here....dear Lord!  

It is really no huge secret that our life has been a bit turbulent.  A new baby, sickness, work, school and kids were all conspiring against Ryan and I it seemed.  We would no more get ttwd back on the  track, and a brick wall would spring up out of nowhere.....and send us reeling.  It had been a hard few months....and my emotions were all over the map.

In the midst of all of our crises, I was beginning to feel like my husband did not care at all about my well being....I know, I know.....hormones.....what can I say??  Anyway....I had the feeling that I could say, "Hey babe, I am going to go hang gliding off of a mountain....I'll see you at dinner." And he would have just waved as I went out the door. A fellow bloggy friend admitted she had the same feelings about her husband....and another bloggy friend was able to talk me off the proverbial ledge....and sent me to talk this out with my poor unsuspecting husband ;)  

As usual....I blubbered to Ryan that I had no idea why I felt the need to be protected....but I felt it all the same.  I said I hated the way ttwd makes me feel sometimes...because I am trying to reconcile the old Lucy with this new girl over here -------->who wants to be protected.  Ugh!  The thing is, I no longer want to be that woman....and I am coming to see that that is okay.  I know that if God forbid....anything happen to my husband.....I could pick myself up....and take care of my kids....and that, eventually I would be okay.  But here is the thing......I DON"T WANT TO!  I don't want to be tough girl and take on the world.  I don't want to go this alone.....and I don't want to be that wife anymore.  And really, it is perfectly fine....it is more than fine....it is what we both want.

But the thing is....I needed to know that he had these protective feelings toward me....because I was certainly not feeling them.  That revelation was making me hurt and angry and just totally irrational.  I wanted him to feel that way around me, but I didn't want to have to tell him to feel that way....makes perfect sense....right?  So in the midst of our talk he reminded me that he USED to act on those protective feelings.....and I kind of shut him down.  In our old life I made him feel like he had no right to tell me not to do something because it was dangerous.....or that I should have to call him if I was running late.  I have joked fairly recently that if he needs to get a hold of me....DO NOT try my cell phone (most likely it is dead anyway)....two tin cans and a string would be more effective.  So yes, all of this made me feel like he did not really care about me....that he was using ttwd to help our relationship....but in the end he would never care about what happened to me. Note to any wife reading this.....DO NOT repeat that last line to your deeply caring husband....something about telling him he does not care...may get him a little fired up ;)

A few days after our little talk....I was heading out to the gym.  I told Ryan I would be back after my class.....and well, I truly meant that at the time.  After the class, I walked out to the parking lot (at night) with a friend...and we talked.....and talked.....annnnnnd talked.  When I finally got done chattering....and got back into the van.....I noticed that class was over an hour ago.  Yes, for a moment....I wanted to die.  I had that sick feeling in my stomach that happens when you think you might possibly be in trouble. But then, I remembered....this is Ryan....he has never gotten mad over something like this.....you are fine.  So I drove on home...happily singing along to the radio.....not a care in the world.

When I walked in the house...Ryan looked up from the recliner....and simply said, "Well you are alive."  And continued watching whatever was on TV.  That was enough to hurt my feelings.  If this makes no sense to you.....believe me you are not alone.  I went into the other room....quietly pouting to myself.....until he came to find me.  When he asked the standard, "Alright, what's wrong?"  I made a big spectacle of myself declaring that for all he knew I could have been dead.....and that if he really loved me he would have said more than something about me being alive....and that I had been right all along, he does not care if I live or die.  Yes, yes my friends....I really said alllll of that.  I mean this really doesn't do the whole dramatic scene justice....I fear I may   have missed my calling ;)

To make an already very long story short.....I found myself over my husband's knee approximately 3.7 seconds after I made that last comment.  As he was smacking away.....I was fuming!  How dare he spank me for speaking the truth?!  As he spanked....he talked.  He said that he had no idea what to say when I walked in the door so late.  He knew that he wanted to immediately spank the bejeesus out of me, and at the same time.....he was conflicted and feeling like he had no right to feel that way.  He let me know that he was worried.....but had no idea what to do with the emotions that he had.  I was having a very hard time believing anything he was saying to me....and being the smart girl that I am (insert sarcasm here), I as much told him that he was lying to me.....eeeek.....because of the talk we had a few days ago.....double eeek!  I was just so angry....I mean I wanted him to feel upset at me.....because that is how he felt.....NOT because it was what I wanted.  Oy!  I have a feeling I lost half of you there.  But honestly, I struggle with this stuff a lot! I have these needs that I want him to fulfill.....but I don't want to have to tell him to do it.  So I guess, I need him to become a mind-reader.

At the end of our big long ordeal....I realized something.  Sometimes he will have needs....and sometimes I will have needs. We have to be able to communicate them in order for our needs to be met.  Sounds simple enough.....but honestly, since we started all of this......nothing has been that cut and dry.....and I have a feeling....they never will be again.