The year was 2009. I was a stay at home mom to three very small boys, and had been married to my husband Ryan for nine years. We were a happy couple, we loved each other....we had a lot to be proud of, but there was a feeling of sadness that I just could not shake. I knew in my heart that our marriage was not as good as it could be, and if I am being honest....I was scared. I was scared that one day I would look at the man that I loved and wonder who he really was. I was terrified that he would decide that we just were not worth all of the arguing that was going on. Don't get me wrong, we were happy a lot of the time.....but more often than not we were just getting by. It seemed that more and more we were falling into the role of roommates instead of a married couple.
Late at night when the lights were off and I felt safe....I would ask Ryan what he thought of our marriage....if he felt like we were in trouble. His response would always be that we would be fine, that we loved each other....and that things would work out. I was just not so sure. My biggest fear is that one day our kids would be grown and gone, and I would look over at him and say, "Who are you?" Really.....we were just two people living in the same house and parenting shared children. Things were just so off between us.
I can't even pinpoint when exactly things got so off course. I just know that one day I realized that I wasn't sure we would see this thing through to the end. At the time, I was a big fan of the reality show Jon and Kate plus 8 ( I know, I know). I had been following the show since it initially aired. On one of the last episodes I ever watched, it was announced that the ten year marriage of Jon and Kate had been dissolved. Don't ask me why, but it totally freaked me out. It was not like I knew these people, or that I was emotionally invested in their lives......I think I just realized how easily these things can just happen.
For days following that show, I could not shake the feeling that Ryan and I were in real trouble. We fought.....a lot.....over stupid things. Our pattern was always the same....we would argue, he would try to apologize, I would tune him out....and our marriage would become a cold war. After a few days of the cold shoulder, I would eventually talk to him....nothing ever got resolved, and we never learned anything. It was miserable, but I had no idea how to fix it. The word divorce would be uttered by me in the heat of the battle, but I knew down deep in my heart I did not want that. It was just a dagger that I threw to try and make him feel as mad/sad/desperate as I felt in that moment. Not once, did he ever say those words to me....not one time.
How we got to the point where we are now does nothing short of amaze me. I feel like we are where we were always meant to be. That is not to say that it has been easy, or that the work is over. Far from it. We have come a long way, but we still have miles to go. It took me almost three years after that fateful episode of Jon and Kate to stumble across a blog about DD. That story next time........
Lucy - :)
ReplyDeleteI love it!
It is wonderful. It made me feel like we sitting across your kitchen table just talking like old friends.
I wouldn't change a thing....and I am hooked. I want to know what happened when you found DD?
Lucy, I think you will love writing, it is so cathartic and I have learned so much about myself in the process.
Congratulations, my friend, you have a blog. :D
Hi Lillie~ Thanks for stopping by, and being so kind. I have to tell you, your blog inspired me to do this. I love how you just put yourself out there....you are so brave! I think poor Ryan probably gets sick of my need to talk about all of this DD stuff....so I needed a way to get it out, ya know? Anyway, hopefully this will be the first of many!
DeleteHi Lucy! What Lillie said, blogging is very cathartic. And I am SO curious to know what happens next. I only saw the ending of Jon & Kate, but in the previews of some of their earlier episodes...as I watched some of the things she said to him...Oy! I saw me. :(
ReplyDeleteGood luck, and welcome to Blogland!!!
Hi Rogue~ I have read through your entire blog....and I love how you write. Thanks for the nice welcome into Blogland :)
DeleteLillie just started her own blog very recently, so it is fun to see her already taking a just-slightly-newer newbie under her wing. Go, Lillie!
ReplyDeletePlease be careful of Lillie, though. She has a zany humor, sense of mischief, and likes to make her computers kinky and fat! :D
Just teasing. You couldn't be in better hands.
I hope you like blogging! It will be fun to learn more about your journey and especially how you "came back" from near-divorce to happily spanked ever after. I know, I know. It's not quite that easy. Best of luck.
Hi Ana~ Thanks for stopping in :) I gotta tell you, there was something about Lillie that I could relate to when Mick posted about some of her questions a month or so ago. I found myself shaking my head in agreement.
ReplyDeleteI hope I like this blogging thing too....time will tell. This has definitely not been an easy road....and I appreciate you for reaching out....I can use all of the encouragement I can get !
Welcome to the neighborhood, Lucy! This is a wonderful community, and I've learned many things from these people who have become quite like family.
ReplyDeleteHi June~ Thanks for stopping by :) I have read a lot of your blog...love it !
DeleteWelcome Lucy,
ReplyDeleteI came here from Lillie's place, because you asked her to check out your blog.
So, I thought it might be OK if I got a look too.
It's great. The first post is very recognizable. People are amazingly alike sometimes.
Things to put on your blog: A link to your profile and "Followers".
With Lillie and Ana around, you will never have a shortage in comments. Boy, can they talk!
Oh, and please, please, please, get rid of the word verification.
PK and Ana did posts about how to get rid of that, a few days ago.
Bas
Bas~ I am honored you stopped by. Thank you so much for the suggestions. I will work on getting rid of the word verification doo-hickey-thingy tomorrow ;) I am so computer challenged. How do I put a link to my profile and followers? If you have time to clue me in, I would appreciate it!
DeleteLucy,
DeleteYou’ve created the blog so I assume you are not really so computer challenged as you say.
I am sure you know how to get your Blogger Dashboard on the screen.
If you are on the main Blogger page ( the one that lists all your blogs and your reading list) select your blog by clicking on its name.
Now you see the page that rules this specific blog.
In the left side column select “Layout”.
You get a graphical representation of your blog page.
Somewhere at the right you will see some rectangles containing:
Add a gadget
Blog archive
My blog list
Those last two (white) rectangles are “GADGETS” and they are responsible for the fact that on your blog page the blog archive and your blog list appear. You can change the position of these gadgets by dragging them around on the layout. If you wish you can put the Bloglist above the Blog archive.
Go ahead and try. Nothing is permanent, as long as you don’t click on the button with “Save arrangement” at the top of the page.
OK, now click on the bleu rectangle with the words “Add a gadget”.
A new window opens with a choice of Gadgets that can be placed on the blogpage.
Scroll down in this new window until you find “Followers”, click on the big blue PLUS sign, and this gadget is added to your page.
Next scroll down until you find “Profile”, click on the + sign, and that is added too.
Now close the window with the gadgets and look at your layout.
Drag the Gadgets up and down until you like the arrangement.
Then, don’t forget this, click on the button Save arrangement.
Next click on the button “view blog” at the top of the page, and admire the results of your handiwork.
Then the Word verification thingy.
I copied this text from Governing Ana, but since they were my words to start with, I don’t think Ana will be very angry:
On the main Blogger page (the one with your reading list) click on the name of your blog, e.g. the one you want to change.
That takes you to all possibilities for that one Blog.
In the left column select Settings.
Next: select Posts and Comments.
On this page, you scroll down to the comments section and change the option for “Show word verification” to NO.
Review the other options while you are there.
IMPORTANT: Click on “Save settings”.
That’s all.
If you have any more questions send me an email via my blog and profile.
Hi Lucy :) Welcome to blogland! This is a wonderfully supportive community. I hope you enjoy it here as much as I have. I love your first post, you're off to a great start! I look forward to reading more of your story.
ReplyDeleteHi Cowgirl~ Glad you are back from you uh, hiatus ;) Men can be so picky sometimes :) I love your blog, I have read through a lot of it.
DeleteCan't wait! Welcome!
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by and welcoming me :)
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWelcome to blogland! I want to know what happened next!
ReplyDeleteAnd I could never watch John and Kate, just the way she treated him, awful....
Hi Julia~ Thanks for the nice welcome. I loved watching the kids....I kinda tolerated her ;) Agreed it was not good.
DeleteI just wanted to say a belated Welcome to Blogland here. I saw your comment on Cowgirl Up's blog. She has a wonderful blog. Well, welcome and I will see if you have the icon to follow.
ReplyDeleteRegards to you, SNP
Hi SNP :)
DeleteThanks so much for letting me know you were here, and welcoming me :)
I absolutely love the name of your blog....your stories are really good :)
Ryan calls me princess sometimes....I live in a house full of boys. Being the only girl, has its advantages!
Have a great rest of the weekend!