Saturday started out pretty good. I think, now that I look back on it....I may have been testing Ryan just a wee bit. Yes, really. I was upstairs on the laptop, and he asked if he could check something real quick. And you know, me being the ultra submissive good little wifey readily agreed and handed it over.............only that is not what happened. *Sigh* In a poor attempt at being cute I said no with a very devious smile on my face. Ryan went to take the computer, and reminded me that saying no is not acceptable....that did not go over well with me....and I yanked the computer back. Go ahead....get it out....I can hear you all gasping in horror from here. Yes, I really did that....and when I did I scrambled the screen so that you can no longer see anything on the laptop. Hanging my head in utter shame......
Ryan was furious and yelled at me to get in the bedroom NOW! I did, and he proceeded to spank the bejeezus out of me.....and then he walked back down the stairs. This just left me totally stunned. He has never, ever spanked me with such anger....and he certainly has never walked away and not comforted me. I was sad and confused and feeling really bad. When he did not come back up immediately....the old Lucy kicked in and I got MAD! I shut down and was ready to have a stand off to end all stand offs. He did come back eventually and made an attempt to talk to me. I think I must have said the words, "that was not fair" a million and one times. I was convinced that he was as much to blame because he tried to take the blasted computer...AND I was mad that he had spanked me in that way. Not good.....
We made little to no headway until after dinner and the kidlets were asleep. He apologized for the way things had happened. He said, " I will not promise, because I don't want to mess up in the future and have you think my word means nothing. BUT I am going to do my damnedest to never let that happen again. I will walk away and calm down before I address something like this in the future." I was still angry for a myriad of reasons....namely that I still felt like I had been spanked for something that was equally his fault. He was not about to let me go to bed with that kind of anger....so he took my hand....and yes, he spanked me again. When it was over, he comforted me....and told me that was the way it should have went the first time. If only the story ended there......
Sunday came and went pretty uneventfully, but I was having a very hard time getting my head straight. I still felt unsettled about the way things happened....and yes, I felt like yelling NOT FAIR like a spoiled five year old all day long! I have no idea why I just could not let it go. I knew we had a long week ahead. A lot of time with Ryan being gone, which is hard under the best of circumstances. The perfect storm was brewing.
Monday came and I was just a mess. He was in the door and out....my first chance to see him was about nine that night. I was distant....I was short....I was struggling. I told him all of this and he just sighed and said it was only Monday. That hurt my feelings because I was trying to be open with him....and that felt like a slap in the face. I know that sounds so irrational, but honest to goodness that is how it felt. The old Lucy would never ask for help...and sure as hell never admit weakness. To do all of that, and have that response just made me mad. Not an angry outburst....but a quiet simmering boil. Ryan was trying to control the wildfire...and decided I needed a maintenance session to get my head right again. I would not let the spanking do what it needed to do. I kept replaying the computer fiasco in my head, along with his sigh about it only being Monday. God help me....I was a wreck. My chest hurt so bad from all of the stress. I lived twelve years of our marriage with chest pain from stress...........how in the world I did not have a heart attack is beyond me. I had forgotten how bad it felt to live like that. The poor man was so tired.....we went to sleep very unresolved....not like us at all.
Today came and I was exhausted because of all of the turmoil from last night. I did not go to sleep all wrapped up in his arms. In an act of complete rebellion I played on the computer until early this morning. When I got back from taking the kidlets to school, Ryan tried to talk to me. I was laying in bed....a complete grumpy mess. I yelled at my husband to just go to work and leave me the heck alone. Ack! I know.....a mess....I was a mess! He took one look at me, and headed right for his nightstand. Next thing I know my bottom is being attacked by the wooden spoon for the fourth time in four days :( He did a lot of talking.....and I cried....and cried....and cried. All of the stress/anger that I had been holding came blubbering out. He held me as long as he could, and then tucked me in the bed.
We are on our way to being better. I am trying to re- find my submissive side. I am trying to be patient until he has time for us to hash all of this out. I have no idea how we....or how *I* got so off course. All I know is that I have fallen in a huge sink hole....and I am waiting for someone to throw me a rope.
Oh dear, Lucy....watch your head, here's our attempt to throw you a line....
ReplyDeleteIan says (sitting here with me and having read your post)
Ryan was right in that when he was angry he should have walked away. Nothing positive can ever happen when you are angry. I learned that the hard way. That will apply in your case, as well. He same back and tried to right things with you when he realized his error.
HoH's are leaders, but not infallible and very human. We make mistakes, sometimes terrible ones that hurt the ones we love the most.
Ryan is in a position where his home and family are out of sync, and he is trying the best way he knows how to make things right, with the tools that he has at his disposal.
He is in charge, that is the deal. He made a mistake and he apologized to you...he has done the right thing.
---------------------------------------------------------------
My point of view is a little different.
It is difficult to submit when you think that you can't trust your spouse. I have been there. I fantasized about revenge. I admit it. What I discovered in that process, however, was that it did not move us forward out of the bad experience, it kept us there.
It was during one of those times that Susan told me about the co-operating thing, just begin to co-operate, and then could see that Ian may have acted inappropriately at the time, but his heart was in the right place. Yes, I got a bad spanking, and yes he burnt my scarecrow but to move forward there had to be an acceptance of the apology with a full heart.
I have spent a lot of time wondering about fairness, as well, and it is not here. In place of fair, we must grow understanding and trust and I think what can come out of that is something better.
I struggle all the time, Lucy. I think many dd women do. It is the wonderful closeness and intimacy that renewed our marriage that makes me look past the times when indignation and pride threaten peace in my heart and our home.
This moment can be a real opportunity to grow your marriage. If you can put aside the need to find "fair" in the equation and go back to the original reason you sought this lifestyle, perhaps you can come out of this with a deeper understanding of each other.
I pray you find peace and forgiveness, Sweetie.
Looking back, I don't think we threw you a line after all - maybe blew you a kiss on the cheek and a warm arm of understanding around your shoulders.
Good luck, Sweetheart.
:)
Hi Ian and Lillie :) Thanks for stopping by, and giving me some things to think about.
DeleteI can see now that Ryan did the best that he could....and that he was right (blech!) <------ That is hard to admit ;) I could have done a lot of things differently....I made some poor choices.
Submitting has never been easy for me, heck I don't even like the word....but for whatever reason ttwd works for us. There are too many advantages to this way of life to just give up and quit.
I trust that he will do his best in the future to not make the same mistakes. I know that he always believes that I will do nothing short of my best to be what he needs me to be.
I love him....it really is that simple. We are well on our way to climbing out of the hole :) Thanks again guys!!
What to do? I think you just try to climb out, one step at a time and ask for help when you need it. It sounds like you are trying to do that and he is trying to help you. Sometimes you miss his hand when he reaches down and you slip back down another step, but then you finally get that firm grip you need and you hold on tight and he yanks you up and out and things are right in your world once again. I haven't had coffee yet...so , yeah:) Sorry you've been struggling Lucy!
ReplyDeleteHi Tess~ Thanks for stopping by....I am a big fan of your blog! :)
DeleteI hate feeling like I was when all of this was going on. Ttwd can be so complicated...and yet so simple. You feel like you are going along great, and you FINALLY have the hang of it and....you fall in a big sink hole. Sooooo frustrating. That is where I was.
I don't want to feel like I am waiting around for his rescue, but I also know how much I need him. Starting this life has made me acutely aware of my need and love for him. It can be very overwhelming.
Thanks again for letting me know you were here. I am well on my way of climbing out ;)
Hi Lucy :) Four spankings, huh? I can soooo relate! I'm glad that Ryan gets that angry spankings are to be avoided, I'm confident that next time, he'll take a minute or 20 if he needs to before carrying on with one. Blue and I have an agreement, thanks Stormy, that I can ask for 15 minutes if I feel he's too upset. I haven't had to ask for those minutes yet, but you better believe I will if I think it's needed!
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. Everything is going so smoothly, and then BAM, you fall in a big hole! It happens. Just don't keep digging! Even veterans like Susie lose their submissiveness sometimes. I guess it's a common problem? It doesn't come naturally for me either, but I do love how I feel when I do manage it. It is getting easier and easier (except for those occasional holes!) I believe you and Ryan will learn and grow from this experience. Who knows, maybe in the end it will turn out to be a good thing! Sometimes, it has to be hard to be better.
Best of luck! :)
CG....I replied below...for some reason blogger hates me today!
DeleteHi CG :) I knew you would be able to relate after reading your last two blog entries ;) Poor Blue and Ryan appear to have their hands full!!
ReplyDeleteWhen this week settles down, I am going to ask Ryan about the 15 minutes of cool off time rule. It would have been a good thing in this scenario. It all just happened so fast.
I already feel so much better today. I have been a cleaning machine and have a yummy dinner planned for him. The funny thing is I found myself doing these things, not because if I didn't I would be in trouble, but because I wanted to make him happy. I think that must be progress :)
He told me last night that he loved me so much he would do anything for me....and then he smiled really deviously and said, "even spank your little butt." Grrrr. I love him anyway ;)
Have a great day CG :)
Yes, you should really go for the 15 minutes rule.
ReplyDeleteSpanking in anger is no good.
But when I'm angry, I tend to refuse to spank. And that's no good either.
Hi Bas :) Ryan and I will be having that talk sometime soon :)
DeleteI agree about refusing not being a good idea either. If I mess up really bad...I almost need to be in trouble to erase the guilt....not sure if that makes sense, but that is how I feel.
Hope you had a good day :)
Hi Lucy! Found you...thanks for your comment. I haven't read yet but I'll come back asap.
ReplyDeleteHi Susie :)
DeleteReally, I should be the one to thank you. I sent a copy of your last blog to Ryan and said, "This is what I am trying to say."
We are on our way to being better.
Thanks for letting me know you were here :)
Oh the early days of DD are hard!! You're getting lots of good advice so I'll just add that it seems to take a little while and a lot of mistakes at the beginning to sort everything out. Hope everything smooths out soon! Hugs!
ReplyDelete-Molly Rose
Hi Molly,
DeleteYou are right about that. I guess I got too comfortable. I thought 6 months into ttwd, that we had it all under control. I am learning that this is a process.
Thanks for stopping by :)
Aah Lucy...I'm sorry. I sure do understand. It's like a heartache that doesn't go away and we don't know how to tell them to help us. I'm glad it's getting better. Will read your next entry.
ReplyDeleteRyan is a good man, who made a mistake. I sure made enough of them in the four days to go around. We are better. We have had little time to talk....but I just know everything is going to be okay :)
DeleteHave a good day!