The Discovery.......

In the interest of being totally honest here.....I have some confessing to do before I get on with the rest of the story.  I was not exactly honest with Ryan as to how I came to learn about DD.  I was slightly embarrassed, and I did not know what he would think about his wife googling such things.  Yes, I lied :(  That would not have been such a big deal 6 months ago before we started all of this, but two weeks ago I repeated the same lie to him...in order to cover up the first one *sigh*  I knew I had to tell him, and I did just that 2 days ago.  It is not good to lie to your husband folks....or to anyone, but ESPECIALLY not to your husband if he sleeps with an arsenal of wooden spoons in his nightstand.....lesson learned!  And now on with the rest of the story.......

The three years that followed 2009 were like a roller coaster ride.  I was a mother to toddler twins, and a newborn.  I was an exhausted emotional mess.  I threw myself into the role of motherhood full force, and pretty much forgot that I had been Ryan's wife first.  I think we both knew things were not good between the two of us.  Life had changed so much for us.....and we were grasping at anything.....desperate to hold our marriage together.......

This was not always our way.  What first attracted me to Ryan was that he was so.....manly I guess???  He ooozed this confidence that just took my breath away.  I managed to strip a lot of that away.  I am not proud of the way that I acted.  I wanted things to be my way....and we were good, as long as he stayed in line.  Boy, I am not good at admitting that I am wrong.....and I have a stubborn streak a mile wide.  You just cannot behave that way and expect your marriage to survive.  Neither of us was perfect, but I feel personally responsible for a lot of the issues that we had.

In the Spring of 2012, I decided to give up my beloved Facebook for the forty days of Lent.  Those days led to a lot of soul searching.  I realized I needed to get my marriage straight...for me..for Ryan...and for our precious boys.  I did not want them to come from a broken home....I could have never forgiven myself.  Guided by who knows what I got on the computer. I began typing in random search terms.  Things like Christian Counseling, Marital help.....I am not sure what combo got me there, but in the upper right hand corner I saw a link for Christian Domestic Discipline.  So I began reading....and after I picked my jaw up off of the floor.....I read more!  I then searched just DD, and boy my world exploded.  I never knew anything like that existed, and honestly I was not sure what to make of all of it 

Later on that night after Ryan was asleep, I got back up and began my search again.  I landed at Stormy's blog first....and I was hooked.  I stayed up until 4am and read through most of her archives.  As I read I could see definite similarities between what she had experienced and what I was feeling.  I loved my husband, but I began to realize that I had robbed him of a lot of the characteristics that made him HIM!  I took away what I had fallen in love with.  I was crushed at that realization....and I knew I had to be the one to fix it.....even if it meant this :/

So, my dilemma then began how in the world am I going to explain all of this to my husband?  Now, you have to know up until this point I was a little prudish....a little straight laced....a little embarrassed to talk about anything related to s-e-x.  I had no idea how I was going to get through talking to him about all of this.  My plan became to just try to be a good wife and go through all of the motions of living this lifestyle, without him knowing what in the world I was doing.  Literally.....I morphed into June Cleaver overnight.  I began to ask him what he thought about things, I bit my tongue when the need arose, and I made sure that he was a thoroughly satisfied husband (wink, wink).  

I played the part well for 2-3 weeks, and then I knew I needed to tell him what was going on......because let me tell you, he noticed a change!  In true Lucy fashion, I waited until night time and the lights were out.  I asked him if he could tell a difference in me, and he agreed life was good :)  I don't remember a lot of that conversation, but I do recall apologizing for my part of our marital problems.  I then went on to explain the beginnings of DD.  I told him about everything except for the punishment/spanking part.  I could not make those words come out of my mouth.   Thankfully, after Stormy's blog...I came across Husbandly Touch.  The next morning I printed out Mick's letter to HOHs.  Again, as only I could do, I slid the letter in Ryan's nightstand and waited for him to come home.  I begged him not to read it in front of me.....I seriously wanted to die!  Over the next week or so, I would send Ryan blips from other blogs....anything that I could find that I thought would help.  His response?  He said he could totally see the benefit of all of this, except he could NEVER spank me ;)  The story of how all that changed next time........