A mother to a daughter.....

I think I have acknowledged on here before that I am a proud mommy to three little boys.  What I haven't shared is that sometime in February, I will get to be a mommy to a little girl.  This pregnancy was very much a surprise to both Ryan and I.  We felt like our family was complete....apparently God had other ideas.  From the moment I found out I was pregnant we knew we wanted another boy.  We are familiar with boys...Ryan is one of three boys in his family, and I have an older brother.  I didn't even think it was possible to have a girl.....I have lived my life surrounded by tools and Tonka trucks.  The very idea that we might have a girl was enough to make both of us a little ill.

Ryan had his very male reasons for wanting all boys.  Adding a fourth boy would put us well on our way in being able to have our very own basketball team.  Boys to Ryan....are just simpler.  He understands them....their ways of doing things....and lets face it, he loves playing with their toys just as much as they do!

My reasons for not wanting a girl, were a bit more complicated.....and I have only in the last few weeks gotten to the heart of the matter.  So all of the rambling that is about to follow may bore all of you.....but getting it out will be a form of therapy for me....I promise I won't hold it against you, if you move on to more exciting blogs :)

I have written about my dad before...and my relationship with him...what I haven't written about is my mom.  Sigh.....  It is a very complicated matter...but to put it simply my mom was an alcoholic the majority of my childhood.  My parent's marriage was not a good one.  I think that they always loved each other...but my dad's chronic emphysema coupled with her alcoholism made for a tumultuous marriage.  As a child, all I knew was:  my dad loved me and my mom drank all of the time.  I never saw them display affection for one another.....but my dad always  showed me that he loved me.  I resented my mom for not being able to be the mom that I needed/wanted her to be....and I thought my dad could walk on water.

To me, having a daughter was a terrifying prospect.  I was sure that we would have this baby and my husband would react to her and to me in the ways that I had witnessed growing up.  I was equally as sure that I would be forgotten, as it seemed like my mom had been.  I couldn't voice all of this fear for a few weeks, because I had no idea where these feelings were rooted.

In the weeks leading up to the gender reveal ultrasound, I found myself increasingly unnerved.  Something inside of me just knew that this baby was going to change my life.  The night before we went to our appointment I was up until the wee hours of the morning.  I could not shake the feeling that our world was about to be turned upside down.  I am pretty sure the ultrasound tech thought we were nuts.....she announced a healthy girl.....Ryan looked sick and I cried :(

I walked around in a daze for a week....trying to make sense of my emotions.  I was angry at myself for my feelings. My God we are blessed to have 4 healthy children....any number of people would give all they had for half that many.  A friend of mine gave me a book that she had been reading on marriage.  In an attempt to keep my mind off of my "problems" I began to read.  There was a story in there that talked about a marriage that was in crisis.  The wife was angry that her husband was so loving and giving to their two little girls, but did not do the same thing for her.  She felt hurt....and alone.  She knew that her husband was capable of being loving and giving....she saw it before her very own eyes.  Then, it dawned on her....she was so busy living her life, that she failed to see the needs that he had.  Their daughters would drop everything they were doing to run and greet him at the door with a smile and a hug.  The wife would be too busy cooking, too tired to have sex.....cold....distant.  At this point, a light bulb is flashing above my head.....I get it.....my parent's marriage...my dad's relationship with my mom had nothing to do with me.  Their interactions together made perfect sense.  He felt neglected by her, yes, but that had nothing to do with the relationship he and I shared.  

So.....what does all of this mean to me?  It means that I do not have to fear being the mother of a girl.  I finally understand why my dad acted the way that he did towards my mom and so differently towards me.  Their marriage was broken....and it was that way because of them not because they had a daughter.  Do I think that Ryan will love his little girl to the moon and back?  Absolutely, and I would want nothing less.  Do I think that has anything to do with how he will love me?  Not at all.  Because of all of the work we continue to do with our marriage, I know that we are strong.....I know that he loves me.....and I know that each night when we fall asleep we feel each others love surround us.  Having a baby....girl or boy....will only enhance that love.

Right now, I am busy buying lots of pink and frills.  I am dreaming of painting her ten tiny toe nails a perfect little shade of pink.  I can't wait to hold her....and hand my husband his little girl. And I will do so in complete confidence that it will not change our love for one another.  I want to teach her all of the things I wish my mom would have taught me....how to be a good wife.....how to cook....what it means to be a strong woman, but also want it means to truly love someone with all of your heart.  This will be a journey of a lifetime....and we feel so blessed that God has seen fit to give us Gracie.........