Losing my mind......UPDATE

Things have not been going all that well around here.  I told myself when I started this blog....that I would write about it all....the good, the bad...and the downright ugly.  My friends, I think we are at the latter.  I don't know what to do to make this better, so I will write...and maybe it will make more sense to me when it is out.....here goes....

Ryan and I had a talk a few weeks ago about starting maintenance around here.  His schedule gets a little crazy Tuesday-Thursday...and the thought was that maybe doing some sort of scheduled session would help me keep my head straight...remind me that even when he is not here, that I still have things that I need to take care of.  Ttwd has always been hard for me.  I don't think I have ever tried to hide that fact.  It was not easy for me to hand control over to him...to break down my walls...and be open to communication all of the time.  I have struggled....I am struggling.  I went to him weeks ago and said that I could not keep riding this roller coaster of submission.  That I needed some form of his dominance every single day.  I told him that he requires me to be a certain way.....a way that is not natural for me....than he is going to have to help me.  I can't do this alone.

All being said, he agreed.  Things were not going well around here.  It was hard for me to be submissive (for lack of a better word) to someone who was not here.  And, I know, this sounds whiny and horrible....especially to some of you who deal with far greater separation than I have ever known... but it is the truth.  In my head I thought he wanted to do maintenance on Sundays....his head had other ideas....and we never communicated anything different.  Sunday is our day that we make our schedule for the week.  It entails when he will be working and going to school and both of our responsibilities around the house.  We have found that this keeps us both organized, and we both know what needs to be done.  Week one of maintenance went very much how I thought it would.  We did the schedule, and then maintenance.  The week went smooth.  Week 2 very much the same as week one, so in my head I am thinking that this is the way it is going to be.  Sunday came...we went on a walk....came home....and NOTHING.  No schedule, no maintenance......and the tail spin began.  

Ryan knows without a doubt the schedules importance.  Do I need him to tell me what I need to do?  Absolutely not.  What I do need is some way of him leading every single day.....and this has always been our way.  He knows very well that things fall apart for us without it.  Going to bed that night.....I was mad....the quiet simmer.  I was furious that he had forgotten....or whatever.  We were laying in bed, and he demanded to know what was wrong with me.  I was so mad...I could not even talk.  We have been through so much with this damn schedule and maintenance....we have talked it to death....how can he be that oblivious???  And yes, I should have just said something...but I was at the point of being so mad, I could not talk.  So yes, he spanked the heck out of me....and yes I was so angry it did not matter.  We went to bed very unresolved and I woke up very angry.  He was off Monday, and we had a very icy morning before he again decided to punish me for my lack of communication.  That one worked...and we talked it out.

This is the gist of what was said.  He thought in his head that maintenance could be Sunday or Monday.  My issue was that yes, he gets to make that decision, but I needed to know what was going on in his head.  To me, it looked like he had forgotten....simple miscommunication that blew up big time.  He acknowledged that to me the whole thing looked like he forgot or just didn't care....and that left me feeling very unloved.  All of that was hard for me to admit....I can't put into words how hard.  I hate talking about this stuff.  When I do, and I feel ignored I get angry fast.  He said that we would do our schedule Monday night when he came home.  Fine...gotcha...I felt better.

Last night came....we talked, he watched some TV...gets up turns off the lights and gets into bed.  He says that he feels like I had been spanked enough in the last two days...that he didn't feel like maintenance was necessary.  I was okay with that, because he communicated.  The schedule???  You know the one he was going to make for two days....apparently he forgot again...who knows?  He asks me about an appointment today, and I got a little lippy and told him that he would know what was going on IF he had done what he said he was going to do.  AHHHHHHH!  I wanted to just scream.  All of the last days events seemed to be for nothing.  I had to talk about things I really did not want to...and for what???  I still felt ignored, unloved....and downright angry.  He got out of bed, and basically snatched a piece of paper and said he would make the bleeping schedule. <~~~~~That does not work for me.  It turned ugly.  I told him, if he doesn't want the schedule to let me know.  I was confused.  Mad.  We again went to bed very unresolved....and I feel very unloved.

I have no idea what the problem is.  I don't understand what is going on in his head.  I have no idea how to fix all of this.  I sit here still very angry....and very unwilling to deal with all of this.  I feel like I have put myself out there, and he keeps hurting me.  I hate talking about this......and being all open and vulnerable...to feel like this in the end.  Either he wants this or not.....blech!  I just don't know.  I said a lot of things that were not nice.  A lot of things that I am sure hurt him.  I used my words like the old Lucy....as weapons....and the scary thing is, I just didn't care.  I was that mad.  I don't want to be unfair to him...these are my thoughts.  There are two sides to this.....I am sure he has good points...but quite honestly I don't care to hear them.

I wanted to give all of you who were kind enough to read this mess an update. We are working on it...things are not perfect.....but we are determined to get to the other side of this.  I made a lot of mistakes.  I need to work on how to handle my anger without shutting down....one of my biggest downfalls. Ryan has owned his part of our issues.  He confided in me that he has been stressed for the last couple of weeks.  He is our sole-breadwinner....we are bringing a new life in the world...our furnace went on the blitz last week....and he got worried and shut down.  He feels like a failure at times because he wants us to have everything...and if he can't do that he is very, very hard on himself.  To set the record straight, my children do not want for anything....Ryan is just very hard on himself.  Ugh....wishing I would have known this....and wishing that I could go back in time to re-do some of this.  We both shed a lot of tears today.....we learned a lot....we remembered what life used to be like....and we are renewed in our vow to keep doing ttwd.  It will take us some time to figure it all out, but we will.  If you read all of this today...thank you :)  I appreciate all of the advice that I received....you all are the best :D